THE DAILY 'NEWS' - ARCHIVE Page 2
SOME OF THE NEWS WE SEE FIT TO PRINT... OCCASIONALLY
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KENNEDY MAINTAINS SOBRIETY DURING SPEECH
KENNEDY SPOKESPERSON DENIES SENATOR WAS INEBRIATED, AND THAT 'HIS SLURRED WORDS, BULBOUS RED NOSE, AND VODKA BREATH' ARE NORMAL

HUMMER INTRODUCES ENVIRO-FRIENDLY ELECTRIC H3
ON FULL CHARGE, GREEN SUV WILL RUN SEVERAL MILES ON ELECTRICITY SUPPLEMENTED BY SOLAR PANELS AND LOTS OF GAS

SENATOR BOB GRAHAM STILL FURIOUSLY LOGGING SHAVING EXPERIENCES IN DIARY
'LEAVING THE RACE FOR THE PRESIDENCY HAS ALLOWED ME THE TIME NECESSARY TO DOCUMENT BREAKFAST CHOICES, THINGS I SMELL AROUND THE HOUSE, AND LINT', SAYS FLORIDA'S SENILE SENATOR

SALES OF AL GORE'S 'EARTH IN THE BALANCE' BOOK SOAR DURING DEADLY FREEZE
'THESE BOOKS ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING PROVIDE WARMTH DURING THE FREEZE, AND AT 99 CENTS, THEY'RE CHEAPER THAN FIREWOOD.' SAYS LOCAL MAN

KUCINICH FOUND ALIVE
'WE'RE RELIEVED THAT HE'S OK, BUT DISAPPOINTED THAT HE MISUNDERSTOOD MY DIRECTIONS TO COME HERE TO IOWA' SAYS CAMPAIGN MANAGER/DRIVER/ADVISOR/FUNDRAISER; KUCINICH HAS BEEN CAMPAIGNING IN IDAHO SINCE TUESDAY

KENNEDY MUM ON MARY JO KOPECHNE IN IRAQ SPEECH
SPEECH INCLUDED 'EVILS OF LIBERATING IRAQ', BUT WAS VOID OF EVILS OF GETTING DRUNK AND MURDERING WOMAN

AL FRANKEN HIRED BY FAILED LIBERAL TALK RADIO ENTERPRISE
NEW LIBERAL RADIO EFFORT WILL LAUNCH FIRST PROGRAM AFTER 'ANNOYING BANKRUPTCY MATTER' IS CLEARED UP

BUSH PROPOSES MISSION TO NASA PRESS ROOM
SPEECH WILL INCLUDE STUFF ABOUT TRAVEL, FUTURE, ROCKET SHIPS, AND TRIPS TO OTHER PLANETS

TED KENNEDY'S OVER-CONSUMPTION OF BEEF RESULTS IN FAT COW DISEASE
'I CONTRACTED IT IN THE YEARS AFTER THAT THING HAPPENED WITH THE GIRL IN THE RIVER, AND I'M LEARNING TO LIVE WITH IT' SAYS SENATORIAL HEAVYWEIGHT

AT&T WIRELESS TO FINALLY INTRODUCE EASY-TO-UNDERSTAND CELL PHONE PLAN
THREE-QUARTER MONTH NO-ROAM DIGITAL SWITCHING PLAN INCLUDES 495 ANYTIME (OFF-PEAK) WEEKEND ROLLOVER MINUTES WITH PCS NETWORK ANALOG SIGNAL BOOST FOR 1/3 PRICE; 1/2 OFF ACTIVATION WITH PRE-PAID FCC-MANDATED ACCESS FEE; SOME CHARGES APP

JUDGE: YEARS SPENT LIVING IN HOBOKEN, NJ WILL COUNT AS 'TIME SERVED'
CONVICT SENTENCED TO 10 YEARS IN PRISON FREED AFTER LIVING 12 YEARS IN GARDEN STATE'S ARMPIT

McDONALD'S: NEW CHICKEN McNUGGETS WILL INCLUDE CHICKEN
SUGGESTED NEW PRODUCT NAME: 'CONGLOMERATED CHICKEN-LIKE' SUBSTANCE McNUGGETS' WASN'T APPEALING TO PUBLIC

MARS ROVER LEAKING TRANSMISSION FLUID
NEAREST REPAIR SHOP IS 52 MILLION MILES AWAY; N.A.S.A. SAYS WARRANTY DOESN'T COVER 'ROUTINE MAINTENANCE'

KUCINICH ADDS MONEY TO CAMPAIGN BY RE-FINANCING CHEVY IMPALA
$127 IN MUCH-NEEDED CASH ADDED TO CAMPAIGN WARCHEST

CHINA FIRES FRIENDLY NUCLEAR WARHEAD WARNING ACROSS TAIWAN'S BOW
CHINA'S GENTLE WARNING TO TINY ISLAND: 'BEHAVE YOURSELVES'; MOST DEAD

DEAN TO BE ESCORTED TO NEXT CAMPAIGN STOP BY F-16s
FIGHTER JET ESCORT IS NECESSARY DUE TO 'THREAT POSED TO OUR NATIONAL SECURITY' SAYS TOM RIDGE

MARS PHOTO FAKED IN STUDIO ON MOON
MOON STUDIO ENGINEERS ACCIDENTALLY INCLUDE AMERICAN FLAG, EARTH IN BACKGROUND OF MARS LANDSCAPE PHOTO; MOON LANDING NO LONGER IN QUESTION

DEAN CONFRONTS BUSH ON SOVIET UNION
FOREIGN POLICY-CHALLENGED DEAN INSISTS WAR ON TERROR IS 'DISTRACTING US FROM THE COLD WAR'

INDIA, PAKISTAN EXCHANGE TIT-FOR-TAT SMALL NUCLEAR ARMS FIRE
COUNTRIES WERE 'JUST FEELING EACH OTHER OUT' IN ADVANCE OF PEACE TALKS; MILLIONS DEAD

BUSH CABINET RETREATS TO CRAWFORD RANCH TO PLAN ANOTHER WAR
SPOKESPERSON: 'WE HAVEN'T DECIDED, BUT WE'RE LOOKING AT SEVERAL OPTIONS... NORTH KOREA, IRAN, FRANCE, TED KENNEDY'

TED KENNEDY FINDS REAL CHAPPAQUA KILLER IN MIRROR STORE
UGLY KILLER WAS INTOXICATED UPON DISCOVERY, IS OLD WITH WHITE HAIR, AND FAT

DEAN WANTS PRAYER MEETINGS BEFORE DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES
LEADING DEM CANDIDATE URGES OTHERS TO PRAY FERVENTLY THAT 'GULLIBLE PEOPLE WILL BELIEVE I'M REALLY RELIGIOUS'

EXPERTS: TERRORISTS MAY USE 'THINGS THAT EXPLODE' IN NEXT ATTACK
POSSIBLE EXPLODING WEAPONS MAY INCLUDE BOMBS, AIRPLANES, AND EXPLODING BOX CUTTERS

FRANCE SURRENDERS TO SWEDISH CHESS CLUB
CHIRAQ SAW 'EMMINENT THREAT' FROM CHESS PLAYERS, DECIDED IT WAS IN 'FRANCE'S BEST INTEREST TO SURRENDER AGAIN'

AL SHARPTON DENIES HE HAS MAD COW DISEASE
'I DON'T GOT IT, BUT BROTHER DEAN MIGHT' SAYS FUNNY REVEREND KNOWN FOR ONE-LINERS AND ABILITY TO BEAT FRENCH SENATOR KERRY IN POLLS

DISCUSSION AT 7-11 ABOUT BORING BLIND DATE MISTAKEN FOR CHATTER
TERROR CODE BACK TO YELLOW

DEMOCRATS ALL MAD AT EACH OTHER
DEAN INFURIATED AT LYING CLARK; CLARK ANGRY AT GEPHARDT FOR MAKING DEAN MAD BY BASHING HIM IN AD; 'LESS MAD' DEMOCRATS MAD AT 'MORE MAD' DEMS FOR BEING SO MAD

SADDAM HUSSEIN INSISTS HE'S STILL IN POWER
SHAVED AND SHACKLED MADMAN SAYS 'I AM SADDAM HUSSEIN, AND AM STILL THE PRESIDENT OF IRAQ' FROM MAXIMUM SECURITY CELL AS U.S. MILITARY GUARDS CHUCKLE

CIA CHATTER MONITOR OVERHEATS DURING HOWARD DEAN FOREIGN POLICY SPEECHES
'WE HAVE TO RE-BOOT THE CHATTER MACHINE AFTER MOST OF HIS SPEECHES' SAYS CIA MAINTENANCE MAN

TED KENNEDY BREAKS PARTY LINE IN ERROR
PLUMP SENATOR ADMITS PROGRESS IN WAR ON TERROR IN DRUNKEN STUPOR AT HOLIDAY PARTY

MAX HEADROOM ATTEMPTS COMEBACK AS DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE
SHORT-LIVED 1980'S ANIMATED HEAD LEADS POLLS IN 3 PRIMARY STATES

U.S. TO TRIPLE SIZE OF MILITARY TO 'INSURE WORLD PEACE'
BEAUTY CONTEST WINNERS UNION SAYS 'IT'S A DREAM COME TRUE'

IRAN WANTS TO SEND WMD INSPECTORS INTO U.S.
AYATOLLAHS INSIST AMERICAN WMD PROGRAM IS 'A THREAT' TO ISLAMIC RADICALISM; U.S. AGREES

BOY SCOUTS FOUND TO BE BIGGEST THREAT TO DEMOCRACY
RUNNER-UP THREATS INCLUDE ABORTION BAN, GAY MARRIAGE BAN, AND PROLIFERATION OF PATRIOTISM

XMAS CELEBRATED BY MOST XIANS
X WAS BORN ON XMAS DAY, AS MOST XIANS ACKNOWLEGE AND CELEBRATE

WORLD'S TALLEST TERRORIST TARGET TO REPLACE TWIN TOWERS
1,776 FT. TOWER WILL BE ATTACKED AND LEVELED BY TERRORISTS UPON COMPLETION, DEMOCRATS HOPE

CUBAN SCIENTISTS DISCOVER PENICILLIN
'SOCIALLY ADVANCED' COMMUNISTS ALLEGE THAT DISCOVERY OF ELECTRICITY IS 'NOT FAR BEHIND'

BUSH KNEW ABOUT 9-11
BLOCKBUSTER REPORT: BUSH KNEW ABOUT 9-11, BUT NOT UNTIL RIGHT AFTER IT HAPPENED

STRENGTH OF KOBE DEFENSE IN QUESTION
N.B.A. STAR'S LEGAL TEAM ASKS COURT TO MAKE RAPE 'NOT A CRIME'

MEMBERS OF 'AFRICAN AMERICANS FOR DEAN' ARE MOSTLY WHITE
'WE'VE CONVINCED A FEW 'TOKEN BLACKS' TO JOIN, AND A NUMBER OF OTHER COLOREDS ARE INTERESTED' SAYS CAUCASIAN SPOKESPERSON

WHACKO JACKO CHARGED WITH 7 COUNTS OF CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY
U.N. DEMANDS 'FAIR TRIAL' FOR WHITE CHILD MOLESTER; SADDAM HUSSEIN  'RELIEVED' NOT TO BE ONLY NEWS STORY

BIDS ON SADDAM'S SPIDER HOLE POURING IN
REAL ESTATE INVESTORS 'VERY INTERESTED' IN HUSSEIN'S HIDING PLACE: DISGUSTING DIRT HOLE CONSIDERED TO BE 'ONE OF THE NICEST PROPERTIES IN THE MIDDLE EAST'

CHINA TO ATTEMPT MOON FLIGHT IN RETRO-FITTED OLD KOREAN WAR CARGO PLANE FUSELAGE
CHINESE 'FLYING CONTRAPTION' ONLY 'SLIGHTLY MORE ADVANCED' THAN ORIGINAL 1903 WRIGHT BOTHERS' PLANE; ALL SKEPTICAL

JUDGE TO ALLOW UNSUPERVISED HINKLEY VISIT TO REAGAN HOME
ALSO: PENTAGON DENIES SADDAM HUSSEIN'S REQUEST FOR UNSUPERVISED VISIT TO NEW SPIDER HOLE

BILLIONAIRE MADMAN FOUND IN SQUALOR: LENGTHY BEARD CHECKED FOR LICE, VERMIN
SADDAM'S CONDITION UNCANNILY LIKE THAT OF OUR OWN HOWARD HUGHES

LIEBERMAN PANDERS TO CHRISTIAN VOTE BY PUTTING UP CHRISTMAS TREE
JEWISH CANDIDATE SAYS IGNORING CHRISTMAS COULD BE MISCONSTRUED AS BIAS

MASSACHUSSETTS TO REPLACE IRAQ IN 'AXIS OF EVIL'
THE REGIME RUNNING THIS STATE REPRESENTS AN IMMINENT DANGER TO OUR VALUES, SAYS PRESIDENT

WEST BANK STYLE SECURITY FENCE CONSIDERED FOR HOBOKEN, NJ
'THIS CONTROVERSIAL FENCE WILL KEEP DRUG DEALERS, PARAMILITARY GROUPS OUT OF NEW JERSEY PROPER' SAYS GOVERNOR

COST OF SADDAM'S MOUTH SWAB AND FLEA CHECK TO BE ADDED TO IRAQI NATIONAL DEBT
ALSO: SUITCASE FULL OF CASH FOUND IN HUSSEIN'S CRAP HOLE WILL HELP PAY COST

SADDAM HUSSEIN TO BE TRIED FOR CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY, GENOCIDE, AND ARMED ROBBERY OF TIKRIT CONVENIENCE STORE
FIRST TWO CHARGES 'MORE SIGNIFICANT' THAN THIRD, SAY LEGAL EXPERTS

MARK GERAGOS 'VERY INTERESTED' IN SADDAM CASE
DEFENDER OF NOTORIOUSLY GUILTY BELIEVES HE CAN PROVE REASONABLE DOUBT IN HUSSEIN GENOCIDE TRIAL

'SPIDER HOLE' BUILDERS SEE INCREASED SALES
'WE'VE HAD ABOUT FIVE REQUESTS AN HOUR SINCE SADDAM'S CAPTURE THIS MORNING' SAYS SPIDER HOLE MANUFACTURING CO. OWNER

U.N. SEEKS TO TRY SADDAM
'THIS BRUTAL AND MURDEROUS DICTATOR DESERVES A LONG LIFE OF FUN IN THE SUN' SAYS IRRELEVANT GLOBAL ORGANIZATION

SADDAM CAPTURED ALIVE
'WIMPY' TYRANT HAD GUN, DIDN'T SHOOT SELF

SADDAM CAPTURED
BIN LADEN FOUND IN SADDAM'S BEARD

SADDAM CAPTURED
VIOLENT RETALIATORY STRIKES FEARED BY PEACE SEEKING, ANTI-WAR TYPES

SADDAM CAPTURED
WAR TRIALS TO BEGIN SOON FOR SEVERAL DEMOCRATIC BLOWHARDS

SADDAM CAPTURED
NATIONWIDE MAALOX SHORTAGE REPORTED IN WAKE OF DEMOCRAT'S REACTION

SADDAM CAPTURED
HOWARD DEAN FOUND HIDING IN SMALL HOLE IN WAKE OF HUSSEIN CAPTURE

SADDAM CAPTURED
UGLY IRAQI MADMAN FOUND IN HOLE, INITIALLY MISTAKEN FOR FIDEL CASTRO

SADDAM CAPTURED
CNN ANCHOR AARON BROWN ISSUES 'NO-GLOAT' FATWA TO PRO-BUSH AMERICANS

SADDAM CAPTURED
DEMOCRATIC PARTY DISINTEGRATES

IMPRESSIVE NEW MUSEUM NOT THAT IMPRESSIVE
MEDIOCRE AIR AND SPACE MUSEUM HAS 'PLANES AND STUFF'

BUSH TO OPPOSE IRAQ WAR DURING REELECTION CAMPAIGN
PREZ HOPES TO APPEAL TO LEFT-OF-CENTER VOTERS IN '04 BY OPPOSING SELF; BUSH MAY ALSO SPEAK OUT AGAINST HIS HIGHLY SUCCESSFUL TAX-CUTS

JFK MURDER SOLVED
'SEVERAL' GUNMEN ON GRASSY NOLL AND 'OTHER THINGS' HAPPEND, CONCLUSIVE NEW STUDY PROVES; NATION'S CONSPIRACY THEORISTS LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING REAL JOBS AND REAL LIVES

PUBLIC SCHOOL CHILDREN OFTEN RELEASED WITHOUT UNDERSTANDING OF MUCH
MICROWAVABLE TV DINNER INSTRUCTIONS, HOW TO TIE SHOES, OFTEN CONFUSING FOR PUBLIC HIGH SCHOOL GRADS

TRIP TO MOON PLANNED TO PROVE WE WERE ALREADY THERE
NEW MOON MISSION WOULD MOVE 1969 AMERICAN FLAG TO 'OTHER SIDE OF MOON WHERE PEOPLE CAN SEE IT'

INVESTIGATION: MORE FAST FOOD WORKERS SPIT IN FOOD THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT
INVESTIGATORS UNCOVER DISTURBING, BUT UNFORTUNATELY COMMON WEAPON OF MASS DISGUSTING

L.A. LAKERS ASK REST OF NBA IF THEY WANT TO CONCEDE SEASON
INEVITABLE CHAMPIONSHIP WINNERS FEEL BAD FOR OTHER TEAMS, OFFER OPPORTUNITY TO 'SAVE FACE' BY GRACEFUL, EXPEDITED END TO SEASON

JAMES CARVILLE - MARY MATALIN MARRIAGE STILL A MYSTERY
CONSPIRACY THEORIES ABOUND; 'OPPOSITES ATTRACT' THEORY COMMONLY CITED

DEAN TACKS TO THE CENTER OF SOCIALISM WITH GORE ENDORSEMENT
DEAN ATTEMPTING TO PAINT SELF AS CONSERVATIVE SOCIALIST TO APPEAL TO WIDER SPECTRUM OF LEFT-WING VOTERS

FEAR OF FLU MAY KEEP SHOPPERS FROM STORES; MANY BUY GIFTS ONLINE
HOWEVER, ONLINE SHOPPERS MAY BRAVE FLU IN STORES TO AVOID ANNOYING POP-UPS

TED KENNEDY ATTEMPTS MAKEOVER WITH NEW BEARD
OBESE SENATOR MISTAKEN FOR SANTA CLAUS AT HYANNIS PORT LIQUOR STORE

GOLFER NOT THAT EXCITED AFTER IMPOSSIBLE SHOT
GOLFER TIPS HAT, SMILES AT CROWD AFTER HOLE-IN-ONE ON PAR 4

NEW JOE LIEBERMAN ACTION FIGURE NOT THAT EXCITING
CHILDREN DISAPPOINTED BY CRANKY VOICE AND 'SLEEPY' DISPOSITION

KOBE WOULD RATHER PLAY BASKETBALL THAN BE IN JAIL
NBA STAR NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO GIVING UP FAME, FREEDOM & FUN FOR LENGTHY STAY IN DUNGEON

MICHAEL JACKSON ALLEGES ABUSE BY POLICE
'THEY TUGGED AT MY WIG, PULLED OFF MY MASK, AND PUNCHED ME IN MY PROSTHETIC NOSE', SAYS WEIRD WHITE CHILD MOLESTER

CHILDRENS' BOOK ABOUT DICK MORRIS POLITICAL THEORY FAILS
BOOK FOR KIDS ABOUT TRIANGULATION NETS LESS THAN STELLAR SALES

BUFFALO, NY POLICE DEPARTMENT THREATENS TO INVADE, COLONIZE CANADA
NEW CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER TAKES THREAT SERIOUSLY, BECOMES APOLOGETICALLY PRO-AMERICAN

NEW JOHN KERRY TALKING DOLL ON 'WORST GIFTS' LIST
PARENTS APPARENTLY NOT FOND OF UNSIGHTLY FRENCH LOOK, CURSE-RIDDLED SOUND BITES

NEW VIDEO GAME CAPTURES ATTENTION OF DEMOCRATIC PARTY
X-BOX'S MUCH-ANTICIPATED 'DOOM & GLOOM' GAME HITS STORES - DEMOCRATS EXCITED ABOUT SIMILARITY TO THEIR POLITICAL MESSAGE

LOTS OF PEOPLE GETTNG FLU WHILE WAITING IN LINE FOR VACCINE
CLOSE ENCOUNTERS WITH FLU PEOPLE NOT ADVISED, BUT IS SOMETIMES UNAVOIDABLE FOR VACCINE SEEKERS

MONEY MAKES PEOPLE HAPPY
BANKRUPT LOTTERY WINNER 'WAS ECSTATIC' AT WINNING $10 MILLION LOTTERY LAST YEAR

DICK GEPHARDT SAYS 'ANY OF THESE CANDIDATES' BETTER THAN BUSH
AL SHARPTON ELATED AT WHAT HE DUBS 'MY FIRST REAL ENDORSEMENT'

DEAN THINKS 'THE SOUTH' IS A DIFFERENT COUNTRY
NORTHEAST LIBERAL THINKS WHITE MALES WITH CONFEDERATE FLAGS ON THEIR TRUCKS ARE 'FOREIGNERS'

ILLEGAL INTERNET FILE DOWNLOADER INVOKES CLINTON DEFENSE
DOWNLOADER OF PARIS HILTON PORN VIDEO ALLEGES 'VAST RIGHT WING CONSPIRACY', SAYS IT'S 'ALL ABOUT SEX'

DEAN'S FORMER DOCTOR'S OFFICE REJECTS OFFERS TO HELP RECONSTRUCTION EFFORT IN IRAQ
NEW OFFICE SECRETARY CONTENDS THAT 'ALL OF THE LUCRATIVE JOBS' ARE ALREADY TAKEN BY HALLIBURTON

GORE TO PROMOTE POPULAR STOOL-SOFTENER
DEAN CAMPAIGN DISCOURAGED BY DEAL, SAYS IT "WATERS DOWN PRESIDENTIAL ENDORSEMENT'

MAN CATALOGING BUSH 'HATE SITES' ON WEB DIES OF EXHAUSTION
MONTHS DEDICATED TO CUMBERSOME PROJECT 'TOOK ITS TOLL' SAYS MEDICAL EXAMINER

DON KING EYES PROMOTION RIGHTS TO 2008 GORE/CLINTON SHOWDOWN
2008 DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION MAIN EVENT AT MGM GRAND MAY BE UPSTAGED BY EARLIER FIGHTS-BEFORE-THE-FIGHT IN IOWA, NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY RINGS

LIEBERMAN SEEKS DOCTOR TO REMOVE 'GORE IN 2000' TATTOO
CAMPAIGN FUNDS JUSTIFIED FOR COSTLY LASER PROCEDURE

KERRY TO ENDORSE SELF TOMORROW
FLEDGLING CANDIDATE HOPES TO COUNTER BLOCKBUSTER GORE ENDORSEMENT OF DEAN BY INSISTING HIS PRESIDENTIAL QUAGMIRE SHOWS BEST CHANCE OF SUCCESS

DEMOCRAT ZELL MILLER IS NOT A REPUBLICAN
CAREFUL STUDIES OF ON-THE-RECORD STATEMENTS REVEAL THAT CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN SENATOR IS A DEMOCRAT

DNC MEMO LEAK: DEMS WILL SECEDE FROM UNION IF 2004 ELECTION IS LOST OR STOLEN
FRINGE PARTY WILL RULE FROM 'NEW CAPITOL' IN NEW YORK'S U.N. BUILDING

DEAN'S FOREIGN POLICY KNOWLEDGE QUESTIONED
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE MISTAKENLY SUGGESTS THAT U.S. SHOULD 'HAVE ORDERLY REPRESENTATIVE ELECTIONS LIKE THEY DO IN DEMOCRACIES LIKE CHINA'

DEMOCRATS PONDERING BAN ON DISHONEST TERM FOR NEXT POST-ELECTION MESS
'DISENFRANCHISEMENT' TO BE REPLACED BY MORE INTELLIGENT, LESS JESSE-JACKSON-ISH DESCRIPTION OF VOTE FRAUD

DICK CHENEY NOT DEAD
ELUSIVE VP FOUND ALIVE AND WELL AFTER SECRET SERVICE ADMIT 'WE'RE NOT SURE WHERE HE IS'

MAN USING 'MEANING OF IS' DEFENSE FOUND GUILTY
SLIPPERY CLINTONIAN STRATEGY INVOKED UNSUCCESSFULLY IN MONTANA COW-TIPPING TRIAL

KERRY CURSED LESS TODAY
MASS. SENATOR SURPRISED PRESS WITH 'RELATIVELY CLEAN' SPEECH AT CONGRESSIONAL PRAYER BREAKFAST

8 OUT OF 9 DEM CANDIDATES DISAGREE WITH GORE ENDORSEMENT OF DEAN
ZOGBY POLL OF DEMOCRATIC COMBATANTS SHOW MOST IN OPPOSITION TO X-VEEP'S COMMANDEERING OF PARTY

LIEBERMAN'S TOUGH-ON-DEFENSE STANCE NOT POPULAR WITH SOFT-ON-DEFENSE DEMOCRATIC PARTY
JOE OFTEN HECKLED, BOOED AT FRIENDLY DEMOCRATIC GATHERINGS

DONNA BRAZILLE PUTS SELF ON EBAY
DEMOCRATIC SPINMEISTER FEELS IT IS 'THE MOST DEMOCRATIC WAY TO DECIDE WHO WILL BENEFIT FROM MY SERVICES'

TAIWAN 'NOT HAPPY' WITH CHINA'S MISSILES POINTED AT THEM
ISLANDERS 'UNCOMFORTABLE' BEING TARGET OF 500 WARHEADS

GORE PAINTS SELF AS 'MODERATE'
LEFT-WING FORMER VEEP'S CLAIM CATCHES ATTENTION OF SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE; SHOW EXECS EXTEND HOST PROPOSAL, SAY GORE'S SENSE OF HUMOR IS 'EXTRAORDINARY'

AL GORE CONVINCED HE IS THE ANTICHRIST
FORMER VEEP INSISTS THAT HE 'FITS THE BILL' AND 'MOST OF MY VALUES ARE IN SYNC WITH THE BEAST OF REVELATIONS'

DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY VOTERS NOT FOND OF KERRY PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN, CALL FOR 'REGIME CHANGE'
LEFT-WING DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY VOTERS SEE ANTI-WAR, VIETNAM PROTESTOR CANDIDATE AS 'TOO HAWKISH'

GENERAL WESLEY CLARK DEBUNKS CLAIM THAT HE 'WAS FIRED' FROM NATO
'ON THE CONTRARY... I WAS RELIEVED OF MY POSITION', INSISTS CLARK

TAWANA BRAWLEY TO CAMPAIGN FOR SHARPTON
SHARPTON CAMP UNCOMFORTABLE WITH 'SKELETON IN THE CLOSET' ENDORSEMENT

LIEBERMAN 'NO LONGER FRIENDS' WITH GORE
GORE'S DEAN ENDORSEMENT WIDENS GAP BETWEEN FORMER LOSERS OF 2000 ELECTION

SENATOR CLINTON ISN'T DEFINITELY NOT RUNNING FOR WHITE HOUSE IN '04
HILLARY: IT ALL DEPENDS ON WHAT THE DEFINITION OF 'ISN'T' IS

DEAN ARCHRIVAL KERRY NOT EXCITED TO EVENTUALLY HAVE TO SUPPORT DEAN
KERRY MAY SEND WHACKO WIFE TO CAMPAIGN FOR DEAN IN HIS STEAD

DEMOCRATS STILL NOT AWARE OF BUSH WIN IN 2000
MOST AMERICANS FIND 'BUSH STOLE ELECTION' CHARGE HUMOROUS

MAN BUYS SPAM EMAIL-BLOCKER SOFTWARE FROM SPAM EMAIL
'I REFINANCED MY MORTAGE, AND HAVE PLENTY OF VIAGRA ALREADY', SAYS NEWLY SPAM-FREE MAN

GORE TO ENDORSE DEAN IN EXCHANGE FOR EMPLOYMENT HELP
GORE FISHING FOR JOB AT REVLON; DEAN TO 'PUT IN A GOOD WORD' FOR FORMER LOSER'S SUPPORT

CHILDREN ENCOURAGED TO BEGIN SAVING FOR MEDICARE PACKAGE
YOUTH SAVINGS ACCOUNTS OPENED IN WAKE OF MIND-BLOWING SPENDING SPREE BY BUSH ADMIN

SENATOR KERRY DROPS 'F-BOMB' TO IGNITE FAILED PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN
FOUR-LETTER VULGARITIES EXCITE KERRY'S BASE, MAY BE ADDED TO CAMPAIGN SIGNAGE

NORTH KOREA SET TO 'PROMISE' NUKE FREEZE AGAIN
KIM JONG IL NOT AS KEEN ON GULLIBILITY OF BUSH ADMINISTRATION, LONGS FOR DAYS OF CLINTON, CARTER

MARK GERAGOS MULLS THIRD HIGH-PROFILE CASE
DEFENSE ATTORNEY FOR CHILD MOLESTER MICHAEL JACKSON AND MURDERER SCOTT PETERSON CONSIDERS DEFENDING SEN. BOB GRAHAM IN BUSH IMPEACHMENT TRIAL

TOM BROKAW'S LISP NOT IMPROVING WITH AGE
MODERATELY LIBERAL NBC ANCHOR CANNOT CONTROL SPEECH ABNORMALITY THAT MAKES MOST VIEWERS UNCOMFORTABLE

'CROWD-PLEASING ONE LINERS' MAY PROPEL SHARPTON TO MOST POWERFUL POSITION IN WORLD
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE APPEARANCE, RAMBUNCIOUS DEBATE ANTICS MAY RESULT IN SUCCESS FOR RACIST 'REVEREND'

AL SHARPTON DIVIDED BETWEEN CINNCINATI RACISM CASE AND PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN
'REVEREND' HAS TO RUN FAILING PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN, NO TIME LEFT TO PLAY RACE CARD GAME

BUSH EMBROILED IN ANOTHER SCANDAL: TURKEY DISPLAYED, BUT NOT EATEN DURING SURPRISE TRIP TO IRAQ
REPUBLICANS FEAR '04 ELECTION MAY HINGE ON UN-EATEN PHOTO PROP

PARIS HILTON SEX VIDEO SENDS HER PRIME-TIME FOX SHOW RATINGS THROUGH ROOF
SEVERAL DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES CONSIDER SIMILAR VENTURE TO IMPROVE PATHETIC POLL NUMBERS; DNC BRASS SKEPTICAL

ENCOURAGING ECONOMIC NEWS, POSITIVE BUSH POLL NUMBERS MAKE ANGRY LEFT MAD
MEANWHILE, AMERICA'S RIGHT-WING, MODERATE RIGHT, MODERATES, MIDDLE-OF-THE-ROADERS, ON-THE-FENCERS, CONSERVATIVE AND MODERATE DEMOCRATS ENCOURAGED BY ENCOURAGING NEWS

RALPH NADER NOT AS FAR LEFT OF DEMOCRATIC PARTY AS LAST TIME HE LOST
GREEN PARTY SOCIALIST MAY COMPETE AGAINST DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES THAT MORE CLOSELY RESEMBLE HIM THIS TIME

LOSING PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES STAY IN RACE FOR NOTORIETY, FREE FOOD
AL SHARPTON ENJOYS SIGNING AUTOGRAPHS, IS LOOKING FORWARD TO 'MILKING FREE SECRET SERVICE ENTOURAGE'

KERRY WASHES OWN CARS TO SUPPRESS 'ALOOF' CHARGES
MASS. SENATOR SAYS 'I'M A COMMON MAN'; WASHED, WAXED FLEET OF S.U.Vs, ONE LIMOUSINE, TO PROVE IT

KUCINICH LANDS SUPPORT OF X-ROOMMATE
FRIEND LIVED IN FRONT PASSENGER SEAT OF DENNIS' CAR/HOME, SAYS KUCINICH WILL 'MAKE A REALLY GOOD PRESIDENT'

EARLY INDICATORS FAVOR DEAN FOR NOMINATION
EXIT POLLS FROM ANTI-BUSH RIOT STRONGLY FAVOR SOCIALIST PARTY CANDIDATE HOWARD DEAN

PARIS HILTON NOT SURE WHO VICE PRESIDENT OF U.S. IS
CONRAD HILTON'S GRANDDAUGHTER WILL CAMPAIGN FOR NORTHEAST NEIGHBOR SEN. JOHN KERRY

MICHAEL REACHING FOR SYMPATHY: WANTS TO RECOVER JERMAINE'S REMAINS
'IT WORKED FOR DEAN - I THINK IT'LL WORK FOR ME', SAYS WHACKO JACKO; JERMAINE SUPPORTS CRAZY SIBLING: 'I'M NOT DEAD YET, BUT MICHAEL MEANS WELL'

WESLEY CLARK APPARENTLY APPLAUDED
AP REPORTS: CAREFUL REVIEW OF TAPE REVEALS THAT CLARK RECEIVED 'SOME APPLAUSE' DURING LAST WEEK'S DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES' DEBATE

PRESIDENT GIVEN BLANK CHECK FOR SURPRISE VISIT TO IRAQ
BUSH ISSUED UNILATERAL VETO OF SPENDING LIMITS FOR SHOWBOATING PHOTO-OP

CODE ORANGE NOW DEFINED AS PEACETIME
CODE BLUE NOW MEANS 'UTOPIA', WE'LL GO TO GREEN DURING CHRIST'S MILLENIAL REIGN

HILLARY PAYS UNNOTICED TRIP TO TROOPS
PHOTO OF CLINTON VISIT REMOVED FROM HER WEBSITE: MARINES WATCHING COVERAGE OF BUSH'S BAGHDAD VISIT ON CNN IN BACKGROUND RUINS SHOT

ANTI-WAR PROTESTERS GIVE AID, COMFORTERS TO THE ENEMY
FBI INVESTIGATING COMFORTER GIFTS, AID

HOWARD DEAN SURPRISES ANTI-WAR PROTEST CLUB FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER
'WE HAD TO-FURKEY AND ORGANIC STUFFING, THEN BURNED A BUSH EFFIGY... IT WAS FUN', SAYS DEM PRESIDENTIAL FRONTRUNNER

PATRIOT ACT INVOKED TO ILLEGALY TAPE WHACKO JACKO ON PLANE TRIP
IT WAS NECESSARY TO PROTECT THE PROSECUTION, LITTLE BOYS, AUTHORITIES SAY

MARK GERAGOS ISSUES FATWA AGAINST MEDIA
'WE'LL LAND ON YOU LIKE A TON OF WMD', HE SAYS

MASSACHUSETTS HIGH COURT RULES CHARGES AGAINST MICHAEL JACKSON UNCONSTITUTIONAL
'CIVIL RIGHTS DO NOT STOP AT THE GATES OF NEVERLAND' COURT SAYS

HOWARD DEAN TO 'LIGHTEN UP' AFTER NOMINATION
ANGRY VERMONT GOVERNOR APPEALS TO RADICAL LEFT-WING PRIMARY VOTERS NOW, BUT WILL COURT SOCCER MOMS, NORMAL PEOPLE LATER

WESLEY CLARK NOT SURE WHAT TO SAY
CONSULTS CLINTONS ON REGULAR BASIS FOR ADVICE ON WHAT HE BELIEVES

NON-CANDIDATE CAMPAIGNS
SEN. HILLARY CLINTON TO SPEAK AT IOWA FUNDRAISER IN IOWA

BLACK PEOPLE NOT CAPABLE OF RACISM, STUDY SHOWS
STUDY COMMISSIONED BY REV. JACKSON AND AL SHARPTON, RACISTS, PROVES THAT ABILITY TO BE RACIST HELD EXCLUSIVELY BY WHITE MALES

U.S. SAVED AFTER DEMOCRATIC SENATORS SUCCESSFULLY BLOCK 'RIGHT-WING', 'UNCLE-TOM', 'BORN-AGAIN' JUDICIAL NOMINEES
SEN. KENNEDY ALLEGEDLY SOBER DURING 40-HOUR TALKATHON TO BREAK FILIBUSTER

CONSERVATIVE JUDICIAL NOMINEES FOUND TO BE UNABLE TO SEPARATE RELIGION, DUTIES
DEVOUT CATHOLICS KENNEDY, KERRY, AND LEAHY EXCEED AT RELIGION SEPARATION SKILLS IN SENATE HOWEVER

JUSTICE MOORE REMOVED FROM BENCH
"IN GOD WE TRUST" TO BE REMOVED FROM MONEY NEXT, IF LIBERALS SUCCESSFUL IN "REMOVAL OF GOD FROM STATE" EFFORTS

HOWARD DEAN NOT SURE HOW TO SMILE
FORMER VERMONT GOVERNOR WILL 'LEARN' AFTER EXPECTED NOMINATION; WILL 'NEED TO SMILE MORE' TO APPEAL TO HAPPIER PEOPLE IN GENERAL ELECTION

PARIS HILTON PORN VIDEO COMPETES WITH POSITIVE NEWS OUT OF IRAQ FOR NETWORK NEWS COVERAGE
VIDEO 'INTRIGUING' NETWORKS SAY, GOOD NEWS FROM IRAQ 'DULL IN COMPARISON'

DEMOCRATS RALLY AROUND FALLEN CHINOOK HELICOPTER
DEM LEADERS HAPPY ABOUT SAD NEWS AFTER BAD NEWS ABOUT GOOD ECONOMY

"ROCK THE VOTE" REVEALS: KUCINICH PREFERS SHARPTON FOR PARTY PARTNER
ANTI-WAR, PRO-GAY KUCINICH LAUNCHES WAR AGAINST GAY RUMORS

DEMOCRATS BRAWL IN "ROCK THE VOTE" BOUT
DON KING SPONSORED EVENT REVEALS PROUD POT SMOKERS, ONE MAC USER

GOOD NEWS FROM IRAQ FOUND IN LOCAL PAPER
ROOKIE REPORTER UNDER REVIEW BY SENIOR EDITORS, POSSIBLE SUSPENSION TO FOLLOW

WES CLARK PROMOTES DISPOSAL OF CUBAN TRAVEL EMBARGO
GENERAL TO VACATION IN CUBA UPON LOSING NOMINATION

SHARPTON, RACIST, ATTACKS DEAN FOR PSUEDO-RACIAL FLAG COMMENT
DEMOCRATS STRUGGLE ON UNFAMILIAR SIDE OF RACE CARD ISSUE

PLANNED CLINTON DOCUMENTARY SPARKS OUTRAGE
CLINTON SUPPORTERS CLAIM BIAS: NUMBER OF ILLICIT AFFAIRS "GROSSLY UNDERESTIMATED", THEY SAY

INSIDERS: DEMOCRATS FEAR PRESIDENTIAL WIN
BUSH-LESS WHITE HOUSE WOULD LEAVE THEM WITHOUT MESSAGE, PURPOSE

DEMOCRATS NIX PARTIAL BIRTH ABORTION VIDEO FOOTAGE FROM CAMPAIGN COMMERCIALS
"IF PEOPLE SEE THIS, THEY'LL NEVER VOTE FOR US" THEY SAY

CALIFORNIA DISENFRANCHISED
NO DEFINITIVE 'EXIT STRATEGY' PLANNED FOR RAGING WILD FIRE QUAGMIRE

KERRY BLAMES RED SOX DEFEAT ON BUSH
'CURSE' IS RESULT OF RIGHT-WING CONSPIRATORIAL VOODOO, HAUGHTY FRENCH-LOOKING VIETNAM VET SAYS

FAN INTERFERES WITH BALL, LOSES WORLD SERIES CHANCE FOR CUBS
FAN TOPS GEPHARDT, EDWARDS IN IOWA AND NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY POLLS

KENNEDY LIES: SAYS BUSH LIED
HEAVYSET 20-TERM SENATOR SUCKS OXYGEN OUT OF LIMITED AVAILABLE AIRSPACE FOR DEM CANDIDATES' IMPORTANT MESSAGE

U.N. TO ISRAEL: RETRACT ARAFAT THREAT
HAMAS, ISLAMIC JIHAD TO U.N.: 'THANK YOU'

LIBERALS SQUEAL IN DELIGHT AS ADDITIONAL CASULTIES ARE REPORTED
HOLLYWOOD: 'CASULTIES NOT ACCEPTABLE' IN MILITARY ENGAGEMENT

DNC CHAIRMAN McAULIFFE: 'DEMOCRATIC PARTY NOT IN DISARRAY AS SOME SAY'
HOWARD DEAN, LARRY FLYNT SURGE IN IOWA POLLS

'REVEREND' AL SHARPTON SHINES BRIGHTEST IN DEMOCRATIC DEBATE
HEADLINE NOT A TYPO

JOHNNY DEPP FROM GERMANY: "AMERICA IS DUMB, ITS LIKE A DUMB PUPPY"
AMERICANS FROM AMERICA: "JOHNNY IS DUMB, ITS LIKE A DUMB GERMAN"

CRUZ BUSTAMANTE SET TO WIN SPANISH "GEORGE COSTANZA" LOOK-ALIKE CONTEST, GOVERNORSHIP
ALSO SET TO WIN HILARIOUS CONCESSION CALL FROM ARIANNA, MORE COLD SHOULDER FROM GRAY DAVIS

FOUNDATION OF LEGAL SYSTEM ORDERED REMOVED FROM ALABAMA COURTROOM
TEN COMMANDMENTS TO REMAIN ETCHED IN U.S. SUPREME COURT STONEWORK FOR SOME REASON

MAYOR BLOOMBERG PRAISES BLACKOUT FOR OPPORTUNITIES TO IMPRESS
UNIMPRESSIVE MAYOR: 'SITUATION IS ALLOWING ME TO PRETEND I AM GULIANI DURING 9-11 CRISIS'

DEAN GLAMOUR SHOTS GRACE COVERS OF CURRENT NEWSWEEK, TIME
OJ SIMPSON MUG SHOT LAST TO RECEIVE DOUBLE-COVER HONOR

GORE EYES 'O4 WHITE HOUSE BID
LIEBERMAN INTERPRETS POTENTIAL GORE BID AS HINT TO REMAIN SATISFIED WITH 'SIMPLE SENATE POSITION'

JON EDWARDS 'SEXES UP' CAMPAIGN DOSSIER
SAYS PROPERTY TAXES WERE 'CURRENT'

REPORT:AL QUEDA THREAT PERSISTS
ASSOCIATED STUDY ALSO FINDS THAT MOON NOT MADE OF CHEESE, AS PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT

CHARLES TAYLOR TO LEAVE BY AUGUST
JESSE JACKSON CALLS TREATMENT OF LIBERIAN MADMAN 'UNFAIR'

PROOF OF WMD PROGRAMS FOUND IN IRAQ
PROGRAMS 'NOT SMOKING GUN'; SMOKING GUN STANDARD RAISED IN WAKE OF DISCOVERY

NOOSE TIGHTENS AROUND DEMOCRATS
ECONOMY IMPROVEMENTS, PROGRESS IN WAR ON TERROR, COUNTRY DOING WELL - MAY CHOKE DEMS IN '04 PRESIDENTIAL BID

BAATH PARTY HOLDOUTS, DEMS QUESTION HUSSEIN BROTHER DEATH PICS
AMERICA HAS A HISTORY OF LIES, BOTH SAY

SADDAM SONS MURDERED
DEMS LOSE IMPORTANT ALLIES IN WAR ON WAR ON TERROR

CLINTON TO DEMS ON BUSH LIE: 'MOVE ON'
'IF ONE OF YOU WINS IN '04, HILLARY WILL HAVE HUGE PROBLEM IN '08' HE SAYS

BUSH'S STATE OF THE UNION WAS FULL OF FABRICATIONS
SADDAM WASN'T SEEKING URANIUM FROM NIGER WAS ONE, TAPE BEING REVIEWED FOR MORE

NO URANIUM SOUGHT: WAR WAS A FRAUD
SADDAM APOLOGY BEING FORMULATED BY DEMOCRATS

DEMOCRATS INSIST SADDAM IN 12-YR U.N. VIOLATION, WMDs IN IRAQ THREAT IS POSED
ANTI-WAR POSITION HARD TO RECONCILE, SOME OBSERVERS SAY

KERRY SUPPORTS WAR
NO HE DOESN'T. STAY TUNED FOR MORE...

BUSH SHOWBOATS ON HUMONGOUS AIRCRAFT CARRIER
DEMOCRATS INSIST THAT HOUSEBOAT LANDING WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE COST-JUSTIFIABLE

IRAQIS HATE U.S.
FLOWERS, HUGS, KISSES, PRAISE, JOYFUL WEEPING ALL SIGNS OF DISTAIN HARBORED FOR AMERICAN LIBERATORS

POT BROKEN
ALSO: IRAQIS LIBERATED QUICKLY WITH MINIMAL COLLATERAL DAMAGE

CBS's DAN RATHER DISTRAUGHT
ENCOURAGINIG WAR PROGRESS IS TAKING TOLL ON ENTRENCHED MEDIA PESSIMIST

KIM JONG IL ISN'T GETTING ANY CONCESSISONS FROM BUSH
'SEND ME CLINTON AND CARTER' NORTH KOREAN TYRANT DEMANDS

ANOTHER IRAQI CIVILIAN MURDERED
PENTAGON PRESSURED TO ADMIT CIVILIAN STATUS OF ADVANCING REPUBLICAN GUARD TROOP

IRAQI CIVILIAN MURDERED
CIVILIAN WAS IRAQI REPUBLICAN GUARD SNIPER, BUT HAD ALL CIVILIAN DOCUMENTATION IN WALLET

ANTI-WAR MOVEMENT GAINS MOMENTUM
ACTRESS GARAFALO AT FOREFRONT, MAINSTREAM AMERICA OUT OF LOOP

ACTOR QUESTIONED ABOUT IRAQ WAR
RELATED: PENTAGON INSIDERS DISCUSS INS AND OUTS OF BIG SCREEN PRODUCTION, DIRECTION

FRANCE SURRENDERS
REASON UNCLEAR, WAR IN IRAQ IS PRESUMABLY RELATED

'BUSH IS HITLER'
ANTI-WAR POSTER REVEALS GRAVE REALITY

U.N. DELIGITIMIZED
PREVIOUSLY IMPORTANT ORGANIZATION WILL SEEK NEW PURPOSE IN 'HATS WITH PROPELLERS ON TOP' MANUFACTURING, SALES

WHAT DID HE KNOW?
DEMOCRATS INSIST THAT BUSH REVEAL HIS FORKNOWLEDGE ABOUT SEPT. 11TH ATTACKS
(OOPS... SORRY, WE ACCIDENTALLY INSERTED A REAL HEADLINE)

VICE PREZ IS THIEF
HALIBURTON STOCK SKYROCKETED AFTER CHENEY SOLD SHARES, INSIDER TRADING ALLEGED

GOP STEALS MIDTERM ELECTIONS
OVERWHELMING NUMBER OF REASONS TO VOTE REPUBLICAN APPARENTLY TO BLAME

WALTER MONDALE IS GREAT
ALSO: PAUL WELLSTONE DIED IN PLANE CRASH

ELECTION SWIPED BY GEORGE W.
NATIONAL DIVISION MAY BE GOOD FOR DEMS IN 2004

IN MIDST OF ELECTION TURMOIL, GORE DEMONSTRATES TOUGHNESS TO NATION
PLAYING TOUCH-FOOTBALL WITH DAUGHTERS TAKES TOLL, GORE ON BEDREST FOR NEXT FEW DAYS

Unchronilogicaled Headlines >

STATE OF THE UNION SPEECH WHIPS GOP INTO FRENZY
REPUBLICANS 'ALL RILED UP' AS BUSH CHUMS THE POLITICAL WATERS WITH CALM, COLLECTED MESSAGE OF OPTIMISM

NEW HAMPSHIRE REELS BACK IN HORROR AS DEAN ARRIVES
3 INJURED IN IOWA POST-LOSS VICTORY SPEECH; CAMPAIGN FEARS NEW CASULTIES AS DEAN TAKES N.H. STAGE

LIST OF STATES NOT EXPECTED TO BE SCREAMED BY BUSH IN STATE OF UNION
PRESIDENT WILL MOST LIKELY ISSUE SPEECH ABSENT OF BULGING EYES, MOUTH FOAM

BUSH SPEECH POLITICALLY TIMED BY DEMOCRATS TO TAKE SPOTLIGHT OFF DEAN SPEECH
DEAM CAMPAIGN ATTEMPTS TO STAY IN HEADLINES, ISSUES 'ENHANCED DEAN TIRADE' THAT INCLUDES ALL OTHER 49 STATES; SOUND FILE CAN BE HEARD ON DEAN  WEB SITE WITH ANY SCREAMING AUDIO SOFTWARE

CLARK RECEIVES BRONZE MEDAL IN BATTLE OVER KERRY WAR RECORDS
PACIFIST CLARK TO WAR HERO KERRY: 'BRING IT ON, PRIVATE'

PAKISTAN NUCLEAR ARSENAL NOT THAT SECURE
MOST WARHEADS SECURED WITH SCOTCH TAPE, TWISTY-TIES

DONOVAN McNABB DOES SUCK
PLAYOFF LOSS CONCLUSIVELY VINDICATES LIMBAUGH

TED KENNEDY DUIs HIMSELF TO SENATE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE MEETING
IRRESPONSIBLY OBESE SENATOR BLAMES 'NEED TO DRIVE WHILE WASTED' ON 'CHAUFFER'S DAY OFF'

SHARPTON, KUCINICH UNCOMFORTABLE TO BE LAST REMAINING 'NO CHANCERS' IN RACE
GARY CONDIT EXTENDS COUP DE GRACE OFFER IN FORM OF ENDORSEMENT TO EITHER CANDIDATE

BUSH PROPOSES RETURN TO MOONING
PRESIDENT MAY ALSO RELEASE DETAILS FOR MANNED TRIP TO BARS

AL SHARPTON MOST LIKELY TO BENEFIT FROM CAROL MOSELY BRAUN'S DISENFRANCHISED SUPPORTERS
SHARPTON HOPES POLL NUMBERS WILL BREAK 1% CEILING WITH BRAUN SUPPORTERS IN TOW

MARS ROVER FINDS STARBUCKS ON RED PLANET
'THIS FRANCHISE WAS LOCATED IN THE EDGE OF THE GUSEV CRATER, AND WE HOPE TO FIND MORE' SAYS NASA CHIEF

KUCINICH REMOVED FROM PRESIDENTIAL RACE IN HANDCUFFS
CAMPAIGN WARCHEST FELL SHORT OF COVERING $190/MO. PAYMENT FOR CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS; KUCINICH ILLEGALLY INTERFERES WITH REPOSSESSION OF 1992 BUICK-MODEL HEADQUARTERS

MOST LEFTISTS FIND IT TOO COLD TO ATTEND GORE'S GLOBAL WARMING SPEECH
MORE DEVOTED RADICALS DONNED MITTENS, SKI MASKS, THERMAL UNMENTIONABLES AND ESKIMO GEAR BRAVING SUBZERO TEMPERATURES TO ATTEND GORE'S SPEECH ABOUT WEATHER BEING TOO HOT

JOE LIEBERMAN PULLING DEMOCRATIC PARTY OVER CLIFF OF MODERATION, SENSIBILITY
'THIS PARTY IS DOOMED', SAYS PROMINENT LEFT WING OF PARTY

BUSH PROPOSES INVADING MOON FOR ITS OIL
PRESIDENT WILL BUILD 'COALITION OF WILLING AND SPACESHIP-OWNING COUNTRIES'

VATICAN CITY AMASSES TROOPS AT BORDER
ITALY APPEALS TO U.N. FOR SUPPORT; POPE MAY ORDER PREEMPTIVE ATTACK ON BOOT-SHAPED COUNTRY FROM DEATH BED

DEAN ENDORSED BY DICTATOR-FRIENDLY FORMER PEANUT FARMER
JIMMY CARTER RETURNS FROM VACATION IN PYONGYANG, ENDORSES ANGRY FRONTRUNNER

ALOOF KERRY ORDERS ELITIST MEAL IN IOWA
OUT-OF-TOUCH CANDIDATE ORDERS THAI BASIL BOURGUIGNONME WITH JASMINE RICE, POMELO-MINT SORBET, AND BOTTLE OF FRENCH BORDEAUX AT TRUCK STOP DINER; SERVER BRINGS HAMBURGER WITH ONIONS, CLOSEST COMPARISON

PAUL O'NEILL SAYS WAR ON BUSH PLANNED FROM DAY ONE
'I DIDN'T WASTE ANY TIME IN COLLECTING TOP-SECRET DOCUMENTS TO USE IN A KISS-AND-TELL BOOK ABOUT BUSH', SAYS FORMER TREASURY SECRETARY

BUSH WOULD RATHER BE PIN CUSHION
PRESIDENT BUSH: "I'M TIRED OF BEING DEAN'S VOODOO DOLL"

KUCINICH BOWS OUT OF RACE AS HOME IS RECALLED BY CHRYSLER
'THERE'S NOT A TERRIBLY ENCOURAGING PRECEDENT OF A HOMELESS MAN WINNING THE PRESIDENCY', SAYS SPOKESDRIVER

MISSING HUBCAPS ON ROVER MAY SERVE AS PROOF OF LIFE ON MARS
CAMERA TURNED TO SNAP PICTURE OF ROCK, RIMS SWIPED

BITTER NORTHEAST COLD FRONT BLAMED FOR TWO DEATHS, GLOBAL WARMING ARGUMENT EXPIRATION
FUNNY GLOBAL WARMING ARGUMENT 'NOT SUSTAINABLE' AFTER UNRELENTING FREEZE, SAY EXPERTS

LESTER HOLT TURNS DOWN SECOND DEMOCRATIC DEBATE MODERATOR GIG
MSNBC ANCHOR OPTS INSTEAD FOR ROOT CANAL & PROSTATE SURGERY COMBO

N.A.S.A. CAFETERIA WILL REPLACE MOUNTAIN DEW WITH MELLOW YELLOW TO LOOSEN UP MONEY FOR $1 TRILLION MARS MISSION
ALSO: SPACE SHUTTLE TO BE POWERED WITH UNLEADED REGULAR

DEMOCRATS INSIST BUSH'S MOON PLANS ARE DISTRACTING US FROM URANUS EXPORATION
'WHY THE MOON?  WHY NOT PUT MEN ON URANUS OR THE SUN?' INSIST DEMOCRATIC LEADERS

GORE STUMPS HIS WAY TO WEIGHT LOSS
FORMER PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION LOSER SHEDS APPROX 1 LB. OF SWEAT WEIGHT DURING EACH DEAN STUMP SPEECH; DOCTORS, LAUNDERERS CONCERNED

MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY BUY NETWORK, GIVES SELVES RAISE
TWIN TEENAGE MOGULS ALMOST HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY EVERYTHING ELSE NOW

HETERO MAN COMES OUT OF CLOSET, ADMITS TO METROSEXUALITY
MAN WEARING $250 PRADA T-SHIRT AND USING VERSACE HAND LOTION NOT GAY, JUST STYLISH

DNC PROPOSES NEW BIKE PATH IN ATTEMPT TO STOP DEAN
DEAN DENIES CONVERSION TO REPUBLICAN PARTY, BUT MAY RUN AS INDEPENDENT IN PROTEST

CAYMAN ISLANDS' CRUISE SHIP TAX MAY EARN ISLANDS A SPOT IN AXIS OF EVIL
PENTAGON WARNS TROPICAL WONDERLAND THAT MILITARY INTERVENTION IS 'NOT OFF THE TABLE'

FRANCE ARRESTS 'PERSON OF INTEREST'
INTERESTING PERSON WAS FRENCH GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL; FRENCH INTELLIGENCE 'NOT THAT SMART'

LIFE-LONG CHAIN SMOKER DIES OF MYSTERIOUS LUNG 'CONDITION'
BAFFLED DOCTORS EXAMINE BLACKENED LUNGS FOR CAUSE; FOUL PLAY NOT RULED OUT

PULPIT-POUNDING DEAN SUGGESTS INTEGRATION OF CHURCH AND STATE DURING LATEST CAMPAIGN SERMON
FORMER VERMONT AGNOSTIC INTERRUPTS BAPTISM TO ANGRILY DEMAND MORE RELIGION IN GOVERNMENT

SPAM WINNING WAR AGAINST SPAM
SPAM MAKES HEADWAY IN NEW 'SHOCK AND AWE' CAMPAIGN WITH MORE PORN, MORE VIAGRA, MORE MORTGAGE OFFERS

KUCINICH MULLS LIFE AFTER LOSS
IN WAKE OF HUMOROUS PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN, DENNIS KUCINICH CONSIDERS STARTING LAWN MAINTENANCE FIRM

PENTAGON: HOME DEPOT CONTRACTED TO PROVIDE NATION BUILDING SUPPLIES
'THEIR WIDE AISLES, BIG GARDEN SECTION, AND SOLID CONCRETE FLOORS EDGED OUT ACE HARDWARE' SAYS PENTAGON OFFICIAL

TRAILER TENANT'S IMAGE TARNISHED BY 'ROMANCE' WITH PARIS HILTON
WIDELY-PUBLICIZED STUNT CONJURED IN ARKANSAS BARN BY CHOPS' AGENT AND MANAGERS, BACKFIRES

LISTENERS TO RADIO-ONLY DEBATE FRUSTRATED BY KUCINICH PIE CHARTS
KUCINICH DISPLAYS PIE CHARTS, GRAPHS DURING RADIO-ONLY DEBATE; LISTENERS PEPPERED WITH 'SEE, IT'S RIGHT HERE' INSTRUCTIONS FROM INTERESTING PRESIDENTIAL 'CANDIDATE'

KUCINICH ENDORSES DEAN, STAYS IN RACE
PECULIAR VEHICLE TENANT FISHES FOR VOTES IN NORTHEAST BY PIGGY-BACKING ON FRONTRUNNER

INQUIRY LAUNCHED IN DEATH OF 119 YEAR OLD MAN
PEACEFUL DEATHBED PASSING LEAVES UNANSWERED QUESTIONS, SUSPICIONS OF FOUL PLAY

INDEPENDENCE FROM MIDEAST OIL FOUND HIDING IN HOLE IN ANWR
MILLIONS OF GALLONS OF OIL FROZEN IN HUGE SPIDER HOLE UNDER ICE, MAY REQUIRE DRILLING TO CAPTURE

SAUDI ARABIAN MAN CLAIMS MARS PHOTOS ARE OF HIS FRONT YARD
WEALTHY SAUDI CLAIMS PHOTOS OF SAND, ROCK ARE OF 'THE GARDEN ON THE WEST SIDE OF MY FERTILE ESTATE'

SECOND MARS ROVER DIVERTED TO VERMONT
THE ROVER 'OPPORTUNITY' WILL BEGIN SEARCHING FOR GOVERNOR DEAN'S ARCHIVED RECORDS AS EARLY AS NEXT WEEK SAYS N.A.S.A.

KERRY INSISTS PRIMARY PROCESS IS 'UNECESSARY'; CLAIMS NOMINATION
SEN. KERRY TAPS DEAN TO BE WHITE HOUSE PHYSICIAN

INTERNS IN BUSH WHITE HOUSE MIFFED AT LACK OF INAPPROPRIATE ATTENTION
'WE FEEL LIKE WE'RE NOT EVEN WANTED... LEFT TO JUST DO OUR JOBS' SAYS INTERN SPOKESWOMAN

MOVEON.ORG URGED TO MOVE ON BY ORG
ORGANIZATION SPOKESPERSON: 'MOVEON.ORG IS MIRED IN FANATICAL LIBERALIMBO... IT REALLY SHOULD MOVE ON'

BUSH CABINET RETREATS TO CRAWFORD RANCH TO PLAN ANOTHER WAR
SPOKESPERSON: 'WE HAVEN'T DECIDED, BUT WE'RE LOOKING AT SEVERAL OPTIONS... NORTH KOREA, IRAN, FRANCE, TED KENNEDY'

GOOGLE SEARCH UNCOVERS LOST CIVILIZATION
ATLANTIS FOUND IN .06 SECONDS BY POWERFUL SEARCH ENGINE; SCIENTISTS, ARCHEOLOGISTS STUNNED AFTER DECADES OF SEARCHING

LACK OF WHITE OPPRESSION MAY LEAVE JESSE JACKSON HOMELESS
'MAH MORTGAGE DEPENDS ON ME NOT BEING DISENFRANCHISED BY RACIAL EQUALITY' SAYS AFRICAN AMERICAN RACE BAITER

GIANT ENDORSES DWARF
FORMER NBA STAR BILL BRADLEY ENDORSES GORE'S ENDORESEMENT OF FRONTRUNNING MIDGET

DEAN CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS MOVES TO PEACE PARK
DEAN STAFFERS LIVING IN WHINO SHANTYTOWN IN FRONT OF WHITE HOUSE; WILL 'HIT THE GROUND RUNNING' BY PRESIDING OVER NATION FROM LEAN-TO AS DEAN MOVES INTO WHITE HOUSE

DEAN LANDS NEWSWEEK AND TIME MAG COVERS AGAIN
METROSEXUAL KERRY LANDS SHOT IN VOGUE (pg 84), KUCINICH EDGES OUT BETTER-LOOKING ALFRED E. NEWMAN ON CURRENT COVER OF MAD MAGAZINE

U.S. DENIES OSAMA ASSYLUM REQUEST
HOWARD DEAN ASKS U.S. TO RECONSIDER, SAYS 'JUST BECAUSE BIN LADEN CLAIMS RESPONSIBILITY FOR 9-11, DOESN'T MEAN HE DID IT'

PETE ROSE ADMITS HE BET THAT BASEBALL WAS LESS EXCITING THAN BASKETBALL
CHARLIE HUSTLE WON BET, WILL BE ADMITTED TO HALL OF FAME AFTER DECADE-DELAYED HONESTY

AL QUEDA CANCELS ALL FLIGHTS DUE TO SECURITY CONCERNS
'THERE WAS JUST TOO MUCH CHATTER AMONG OUR BAGGAGE HANDLERS, IN-FLIGHT PERSONNEL, AND PILOTS' SAYS AIR AL-QUEDA SPOKESTERRORIST

IRAQI INFORMATION MINISTER INSISTS KERRY CANDIDACY STILL ALIVE AND WELL
'BAGHDAD BOB' DENIES CAMPAIGN'S STANDING BEHIND AL SHARPTON, SAYS 'THERE'S STILL LIFE IN THESE FRENCH SAILS... WE'RE BEATING DEAN VERY BADLY'

CROCODILE HUNTER ACCUSED OF GATOR ABUSE
'TEASING GIGANTIC HUNGRY ALLIGATORS WITH A TASTY HUMAN BABY IS ONE SURE WAY TO PSYCOLOGICALLY SCAR THESE BEASTS FOR LIFE' SAYS EXPERT; STEVE IRWIN UNDER FIRE, INSISTS HE WAS TEASING BABY, NOT GATOR

RADICAL ISLAMIC TERRORIST ACCUSES BRITISH AIR OF PROFILING
BRITISH AIRLINE SECURITY SAYS 'RED FLAGS' WERE TURBAN, MIDDLE-EASTERN COMPLEXION, EXPLOSIVES

CONSERVATIVES POISED TO BECOME EVEN MORE HATEFUL, VICIOUS IN 2004
RIGHT-WING REIGN OF TERROR WILL MOST LIKELY RETAIN CHOKEHOLD ON WHITE HOUSE, MAY EVEN EXPAND IN SENATE

U.S. TO PULL OUT OF CHICAGO
DEATH TOLL FROM BLOSSOMING MURDER RATE LEAVES U.S. NO CHOICE BUT TO LEAVE QUAGMIRE IN NORTHEAST ILLINOIS

FRENCH AIR MARSHAL NOT SURE WHAT TO DO WITH GUN
ARMED MARSHAL REACTS TO PASSENGER SNEEZE BY  SHOOTING SELF IN FACE

VIEWERS FINALLY OK WITH SUSAN ESTRICH'S SMOKER'S VOICE
PREVIOUSLY RECOILING IN HORROR, VIEWERS NOW COMFORTABLE WITH SMILING LIBERAL'S RASPY SPEECH

JOHN KERRY CURSES JOKES ABOUT HIS CURSING HABIT
'JOKES ABOUT MY CURSING ARE F*ED UP' SAYS FOUL-MOUTHED FRENCH SENATOR

DEAN COMPARES OTHER DEM CANDIDATES TO 'COCKROACHES' AND 'PROSTITUTES'
COCKROACHES AND PROSTITUTES DEMAND APOLOGY, SAY UNFAIR COMPARISON TO DEMOCRATS 'PAINTS US IN A BAD LIGHT'

P.T. BARNUM CO. TO BUY DEMOCRATIC PARTY, PUT SHOW ON THE ROAD
BARNUM SPOKESPERSON: 'WE'LL REMOVE THE 3-HEADED LADY AND THE FAKE UNICORN TO MAKE ROOM FOR 'THIS CRAZY CROWD'

MICHAEL JACKSON HIRES NATION OF ISLAM'S LOUIS FARRAKHAN TO HANDLE HIS 'SPIRITUAL MATTERS'
MIKE TYSON ALSO HIRED BY CHILD MOLESTING IDIOT TO HANDLE FINANCIAL AFFAIRS

DEAN ASKS TERRY McCAULIFFE TO MAKE OTHER CANDIDATES BE NICE TO HIM
DEAN: 'JOHN KERRY MADE FUN OF ME, DICK GEPHART PULLED MY HAIR, AND JOE LIEBERMAN SAID MY MOTHER WAS SO FAT SHE HAD TO IRON HER PANTS ON THE DRIVEWAY'

G.O.P. TO HIRE JOHN KERRY, DICK GEPHARDT TO WRITE ATTACK ADS DIRECTED AT DEAN
'THESE GUYS ARE HELPING US CRUSH THE DEMOCRATS' SAYS REPUBLICAN STRATEGIST

GLOBAL WARMING CRYBABIES SAY SNOW IN VEGAS IS 'FAKE'
GREEN LIBERALS CLAIM SNOW IN SIN CITY IS 'FROZEN FLOUR'

EXTRA FLU SHOTS FOUND MIXED IN WITH ROGER CLINTON'S HEROIN STASH
CDC SAYS 'NO' TO PUBLIC DISTRIBUTION OF TAINTED FLU SHOT STASH

MICHAEL DUKAKIS FOUND SERVING IN TURKMENISTANIAN PARLIAMENT
FORMER COMBAT HELMET MODEL ENJOYING PARLIAMENTARIAN POST IN CENTRAL ASIAN REPUBLIC

MARINE IN AFGHANISTAN GETS NOSEBLEED
INVESTIGATION UNDER WAY AS DEMOCRATS DEMAND PENTAGON EXPLAIN INJURY

MICHAEL JACKSON DISAPPOINTED TO DISCOVER NATION OF ISLAM IS NOT ANOTHER COUNTRY
WHACKO JACKO JOINS CRAZY CULT ANYWAY

KARL ROVE TO DEAN CAMPAIGN: 'PRESIDENT BUSH SENDS HIS REGARDS'
DEAN FURIOUS AT BEING TREATED LIKE SADDAM HUSSEIN, RETREATS TO HOLE

McDONALDS BLAMES FAILURE OF NEW BURGER ON POOR TIMING
SALES OF McMAD COW BURGER DISAPPOINTING FOR BURGER GIANT; POOR SALES OSTENSIBLY LINKED TO INCREASED INTEREST IN NOT EATING BURGERS

DEAN LIKES JESUS
AGNOSTIC DEAN SETS CELL PHONE RING TONE TO 'AMAZING GRACE' TO COURT SOUTHERN VOTES

BUSH ADMIN FROWNS ON U.N. PLAN TO DISARM LIBYA
'TRANSFERRING LIBYA'S WMD TO NORTH KOREA IS NOT A GOOD PLAN' SAYS BUSH ADMIN

STUDY: MOST PEOPLE WORK WITH COMPUTERS NOW
'WORKING WITH COMPUTERS' WAS A JOB ONCE RESERVED FOR THE MOST INTELLIGENT, NOW MOST PEOPLE ARE EMPLOYED IN THIS FIELD, EVEN STUPID PEOPLE

DEMOCRATS ON ATTACK
LIEBERMAN, GEPHARDT ATTACK DEAN FOR ATTACKING BUSH FOR ATTACKING IRAQ; DNC CHIEF McCAULIFFE ATTACKED BY DEAN FOR NOT ATTACKING ATTACKERS ENOUGH

FLORIDA BANS BLIND DRIVERS
'THE BLIND MAY POSE A RISK TO OTHER MOTOR VEHICLE OPERATORS' SAYS FLORIDA TRANSPORTATION CHIEF

POWER DRILL, WEED WHACKER STOLEN FROM TOM RIDGE'S GARAGE
SECURITY OF HOMELAND QUESTIONED

MICHAEL JACKSON SAYS HE WAS LOCKED IN BATHROOM BY POLICE FOR 45 MINUTES
GERMAPHOBIC WHACKO JACKO 'NOT COMFORTABLE' WITH PUNGENT SMELL AND SIGHT OF FECES ON BATHROOOM WALL, DIDN'T APPRECIATE BEATINGS

TUPAC SHAKUR MURDER SOLVED
SEVEN YEAR INVESTIGATION REVEALS RAPPER WAS MURDERED BY 'OTHER RAPPERS NOT DOWN WITH HIM'

NEW $20 BILL SELLING WELL
'A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE INTERESTED IN THE NEW BILL' SAYS TREASURY DEPARTMENT SPOKESPERSON

ART BELL TO MODERATE NEXT DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
"BUSH KNEW ABOUT 9-11", "BUSH IS A LIAR", AND OTHER HILARIOUS THEORIES TO BE ENTERTAINED IN DEBATE WEST OF THE ROCKIES

FRENCH SKY MARSHALS SURRENDER TO AIR FRANCE PILOT
'THIS IS TYPICAL OF US, AND IS QUITE EMBARRASSING', SAYS FRENCH PILOT, WHO SURRENDERED TO PARIS AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL UPON LANDING

LARRY FLYNT STILL GAINING WEIGHT IN MIDST OF BEEF RECALL
MAD COW DISEASE SCARE FAILS TO SCARE MAD DISEASED FROGMAN INTO REDUCING HIS BEEF INTAKE

'BE YOUR OWN BOSS' EMAIL GETS EMPLOYEE FIRED
SPAM RECIPIENT DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO BE OWN BOSS

SKY MARSHAL DE-SHOED, DE-ARMED, AND DE-MOTED
ARMED MARSHAL BRAGGED TO UNARMED PASSENGERS 'I HAVE A GUN AND YOU DON'T' DURING SECURITY CHECK

DEAN FURIOUS ABOUT MAD COW DISEASE
CAMPAIGN MANAGER: 'THE DISCOVERY OF THE MAD COW INFURIATED HIM FOR SOME REASON'

KERRY CAMPAIGN RECEIVES DONATION
'WE DEPOSITED THE $20 CHECK TODAY' SAYS BORED TREASURER OF FLOUNDERING PRESIDENTIAL QUAGMIRE

HEALTHY ECONOMY MAKES DEMOCRATS SICK
FRINGE PARTY ALSO CURSES LACK OF TERRORIST ATTACKS: "A SAFE AND SECURE AMERICA SCARES THE SH*T OUT OF US, SAY LEADING DEMS

HANS BLIX AGREES TO GIVE UP WMDs
U.N.'S CHIEF WEAPONS INSPECTOR ADMITS 'I HAVE A LOT OF WMD IN MY GARAGE'

PFIZER EMPLOYEES NOT SURE WHICH EMAILS ARE SPAM
MOST EMAILS CONTAIN 'VIAGRA' IN SUBJECT LINE, BUT 'SOME ARE IMPORTANT EMAILS FROM OUR BOSS' SAYS FRUSTRATED EMPLOYEE

SUZANNE SOMERS NOT AS CUTE AS PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT
HOT SEX SYMBOL DISCOVERED TO ACTUALLY BE UGLY 40-YR OLD

NEW YORK STATE 'VERY JEALOUS' THAT NEW YORK CITY IS MORE POPULAR
'SOMETIMES, WE FEEL LIKE WE DON'T EVEN EXIST' SAY RESIDENTS OF BORING WASTELAND NORTH OF WORLD'S COOLEST CITY

MICHAEL JACKSON CONVERTS TO ISLAM, GETS NEW MUSLIM NAME
FACING END OF CAREER, MOHAMMED JIHADI IS 'VERY INTERESTED' IN BECOMING SUICIDE BOMER

TERROR ALERT CHANGED FROM YELLOW TO TAN
NEW COLOR MEANS 'MORE DANGER, BUT NOT ENOUGH TO BE ORANGE'

CURSING IS COOL
WHEN ALL ELSE HAS FAILED: JOHN KERRY AND WES CLARK ATTEMPT TO PUMP UP PLUMMETING POLL NUMBERS WITH FOUL LANGUAGE

LORD OF THE RINGS' GOLLUM ISN'T CARVILLE
CAREFUL REVIEW OF FOOTAGE REVEALS HIDEOUS CREATURE TO BE MUCH SHORTER THAN BALD LOUDMOUTH

PARIS HILTON CAUGHT ON TAPE NOT KISSING SOMEONE
PROMISCUOUS TRUST-FUND FLOOZY PICTURED 'WALKING WITH', BUT NOT KISSING MALE FRIEND

EXPERTS: DEAN WILL PROBABLY BE ANGRY AGAIN IN NEXT SPEECH
DEAN ALSO EXPECTED TO CRITICIZE THE PRESIDENT 'TO SOME EXTENT', EXPERTS PREDICT

A-ROD TRADE DEAL DEAD
BASEBALL STAR MAY BUY RED SOX AND RANGERS, TRADE SELF

MOST PUBLIC SCHOOL KIDS THINK SANTA CLAUS WAS BORN IN BETHLEHEM
POLL ALSO SHOWS THAT MOST PUBLIC HIGH SCHOOL KIDS DON'T KNOW WHERE BETHLEHEM IS

DNC ADMITS: WE HAVE WAREHOUSES FULL OF HILLARY'S BOOK
DEMOCRATS ISSUE OUT-OF-CHARACTER APOLOGY FOR PROPPING UP HILLARY'S BOOK SALES WITH FRAUDULENT PURCHASES; BILL O'REILLEY VINDICATED

MOST DEAN 'MEETUP.com' MEETUPs END WITH POPCORN AND 'BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE'
SOCIALIST MEETINGS USUALLY WRAP UP WITH TOFU POPCORN AND MICHAEL MOORE'S HORRIFYING ANTI-AMERICAN COMEDY

HOWARD DEAN'S 'WE ARE THE WORLD' TV AD INCLUDES ETHNIC VARIETY, BUT NO BLACK PEOPLE
DEAN CAMPAIGN MANAGER JOE TRIPI SETS THE RECORD STRAIGHT: 'YOU KNOW, THESE THINGS HAPPEN.'

MILITARY STATEGIES FROM IRAQ WAR MAY BE USED BY BUSH/CHENEY IN '04
'FLANKING MANUEVERS' AND 'SHOCK AND AWE' AMONG TACTICS TO BE CONSIDERED FOR USE AGAINST DEAN INSURGENTS

SHARPTON AND KUCINICH COMBINE FUNDS, ADVERTISE TOGETHER
$13,000 WAR CHEST WILL BE USED TO ADVERTISE IN IOWA, NEW HAMPSHIRE - PARTNERED CANDIDATES WILL SOMETIMES OPPOSE EACH OTHER IN SAME ADS

CLINTON CRONY DIES OF FLU
BULLET HOLE IN HEAD IS 'UNUSUAL COINCIDENCE' SAYS MEDICAL EXAMINER

N.A.S.A. : TRIP TO SUN NIXED DUE TO HEAT
'WE'D LOVE TO GO, BUT IT'S WAY TOO HOT' SAYS N.A.S.A. HEAD

PETA DENNOUNCES MIDDLE EASTERN GUN-FIRE--IN-AIR RITUAL
'SO MANY BIRDS FALL PREY TO ARAB CELEBRATIONS' SAYS PETA HEAD

HOWARD DEAN GLOATS OVER SADDAM CAPTURE
IGNORING REPUBLICAN INSTRUCTIONS TO 'NOT GLOAT', DEMOCRATIC VOTE PANDERER GLOATS

HUSSEIN REQUESTS 'LENIENCY' ON CHARGES
HUSSEIN FACES GENOCIDE, HUMAN RIGHTS ATROCITIES; SAYS HE WAS 'JUST KIDDING AROUND'

BRUTAL REGIME SUFFERS CRUSHING BLOW
'DISHEVELED AND CONFUSED' DEMOCRATIC PARTY FOUND IN HOLE OF DENIAL

MOST CHANNEL SURFERS MISTAKE DEMOCRATIC DEBATES AS SKETCH COMEDY
SOME WHO PAUSE TO WATCH SURPRISED TO LEARN THAT CRAZY PESSIMISTS ARE ACTUALLY PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES

AMERICANS TELL DEMOCRATIC PARTY 'PRESIDENT BUSH SENDS HIS REGARDS'
OUT-OF-TOUCH POLITICAL PARTY FOUND COWERING IN HOLE OF DENIAL, SURRENDERS TO REALITY SAYING 'WE ARE THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY, HOPEFULLY THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, AND WE WANT TO NEGOTIATE'

'MAJOR POLICY ADDRESS' BY KUCINICH TO BE BROADCAST ON COMEDY CHANNEL
FUNNY-LOOKING LITTLE DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE USED TO LIVE IN CAR, WANTS DEPARTMENT OF PEACE; COMEDY CHANNEL EXECS CALL BOOKING 'AN UNEXPECTED WINDFALL'

SCIENTIST: AVOIDING DEATH DISCOVERED TO BE MEANING OF LIFE
QUESTION BAFFLING MANY SINCE BEGINNING OF TIME 'SOLVED' BY CRACKPOT SCIENTIST

SADDAM'S HIDING HOLE TO BECOME IRAQI NATIONAL MUSEUM
MUSEUM WILL FEATURE BREATHING TUBE, DIRT AND 'NOT A WHOLE LOT MORE' DUE TO LIMITED SPACE

SO DAMN INSANE SADDAM HUSSEIN FOUND COWERING IN FETAL POSITION IN LITTLE HOLE
IRAQI DICTATOR 'NOT AS COOL' AS HIS CRAZY FOLLOWERS THOUGHT

RIKER'S ISLAND REQUEST TO HOUSE SADDAM HUSSEIN DENIED
'IT WOULD BE GREAT FOR BUSINESS, AND IMPROVE OUR IMAGE AT THE SAME TIME' SAYS RIKER'S WARDEN

BUSH SR. JEALOUS OF BUSH JR. FOR CAPTURING SADDAM
GEORGE H. W. BUSH CANCELS GOLF ROUND WITH GEORGE W. FOR WEEKEND; BUSH SR. NOT HAPPY WITH 'BEING SHOWN UP' BY SON

KUCINICH DROPS OUT OF RACE
ODD-LOOKING VEGAN GIVES UP PRESIDENTIAL ASPIRATIONS AFTER LEARNING THAT PRESIDENTIAL RACE AND 'DEBATE CONTESTS' WEREN'T SCENES IN A REALITY SHOW

WES CLARK REVEALS SPECIFICS OF HEALTH CARE PLAN
'MY WIFE AND I HAVE BLUE CROSS BLUE SHIELD, BUT ARE CONSIDERING MOVING TO UNITED HEALTHCARE', SAYS FLOUNDERING DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE

KERRY'S STAFF TO KERRY: PLEASE DROP OUT
SOME CAMPAIGN STAFF MEMBERS ALREADY ENTERTAINING 'MORE INTERESTING' AND 'MORE SECURE' JOB OPPORTUNITIES, INCLUDING NADER CAMPAIGN, 7-11

A.C.L.U. 'OK' WITH NATIVITY SCENES IN PUBLIC SCHOOLS DEPICTING BIRTH OF ALLAH
'THESE DON'T BOTHER US' SAYS NON-PARTISAN LEFT-WING ORGANIZATION

CAROL MOSELY BRAUN FLU CONDITION WAS CAMPAIGN STUNT
LAST-PLACE DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE ADMITS TO LIE, REALIZES FAKE VIRUS INFECTION WOULDN'T PROPEL HER TO COVETED 'MOST POWERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD' POSITION

JARED REGAINS WEIGHT
SUBWAY SUPER WEIGHT-LOSER NOT HAPPY WITH NEW CONTRACT, PLEDGES 'I'LL SHOW THEM' BY PUTTING ON POUNDS

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