THE DAILY 'NEWS' - ARCHIVE
SOME OF THE NEWS WE SEE FIT TO PRINT... OCCASIONALLY
NOTE: If you want the actual text of the news clips headlined below, we have them all archived here in a file cabinet on the 5th floor of Trump Tower at PTD's international headquarters in New York. For a copy, email us at dontholdyourbreath@preventtruthdecay.com. As we are inundated with requests, a delivery delay may result.

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FBI WARNS OF SUICIDE BOMBERS IN U.S.
FBI: CITIZENS SHOULD BE AWARE OF PEOPLE WHO ARE ACTING SUSPICIOUS, WEARING BULKY CLOTHES, SMELL LIKE DYNAMITE, SOUND LIKE TICKING CLOCK, OR ARE ARAB

COALITION FORCES ENCOUNTER IRAQI WEDDING, USHER IN LAST CALL
UNFORTUNATE GROOM HAD RING, TUXEDO, AND A 'BUNCH OF SHOULDER-FIRED ANTI-TANK ROCKETS'

MASS. GAY MARRIAGE LAW TRIGGERS KERRY DISPUTE
JOHN, TERESA TO FLIP COIN ON SEX CHANGE OPERATION
submitted by Tony R. | submit headline

'BAY STATE' TO CHANGE MONIKER
'MASSAFLIXION' EDGES OUT 'GAY STATE' BY THIN MARGIN
submitted by Tony R. | submit headline

DEMS 'NO WMD' PARTY EXPLODES WITH SARIN BOMB IN BAGHDAD
HANS BLIX PETITIONS U.N. TO REMOVE SARIN FROM LIST OF KNOWN WMD

MICHAEL MOORE'S 'FAHRENHEIT 9/11' APPLAUDED FOR BEING 'WAY TOO VIOLENT'
MEDIA AND FILM CRITICS RAVE ABOUT VIOLENTLY ANTI-BUSH COMEDY, SAY IT 'DESERVES THREE THUMBS UP'

PETA CHAPTER IN BORNEO CLOSES
NATIVES STOP EATING ANIMALS, EAT PETA
submitted by Tony R. | submit headline

KUCINICH CAMPAIGN EVENT DRAWS 'ATTENDEE'
"I HAD TO STAY TO CLEAN UP THE CHAIRS ANYWAY, SO I ENDED UP LISTENING TO THAT LITTLE GUY'S SPEECH... IT WASN'T HALF BAD", SAYS ELKS CLUB EVENT ORGANIZER
submit headline

CNN CHARGED WITH FALSE ADVERTISING
FCC CITES 'LARRY KING LIVE'; SUBPOENAS MEDICAL RECORDS
submitted by Tony R. | submit headline

NEW CARICATURE KERRY SUBMITS OF SELF IS REJECTED BY CARTOONIST SYNDICATE
DECREASED FACE LENGTH, LESS BOTOX RENDERED SENATOR 'UNNATURALLY LIFE-LIKE'
submit headline

U.S. ADOPTS ARAB-APPROVED METHODS TO INTERROGATE POWs
SADDAM'S MEAT GRINDERS, ACID ROOMS, AND CEILING HOOKS PROPOSED
submitted by Tony R. | submit headline

RUMSFELD CALLED TO RESIGN OVER MISTREATMENT OF IRAQI PRISONERS
UNRELATED: BILL GATES VACATES HELM OF MICROSOFT AFTER PROGRAMMER VIOLATES 'CASUAL FRIDAY' DRESS GUIDELINES

KERRY ISSUES STATEMENT ON ISLAM
KERRY: "FOUR WIVES, FOUR BANK ACCOUNTS... I CAN HANDLE THAT"
submitted by Tony R. | submit headline

CARTER TO SADDAM: WE SURRENDER!
EX-PREZ OFFERS TO TIDY CELL, PICK LICE AS GOOD WILL GESTURE
submitted by Tony R. | submit headline

PUBLISHER DROPS KENNEDY TELL-ALL BOOK
CLAIMS RUSTY NAIL, VODKA COLLINS, MARTINI RECIPES WERE PLAGERIZED
submitted by Tony R. | submit headline

KERRY TO 'INTERNATIONALIZE' THE U.S.
KERRY PRESSES U.S. TO JOIN EUROPEAN UNION; PROPOSAL INCLUDES E.U. NAME CHANGE TO 'GLOBAL UNION', NEW EUROS WILL BE 'GUROS'

HOLLYWOOD WHACKO TO HELP JACKO 'NORMALIZE' IMAGE FOR TRIAL
COLLAGEN FROM POST-BILLY BOB BLOOD VILE ANGELINA JOLIE LIPS TO BE USED TO RE-CREATE MICHAEL JACKSON'S PRE-ELEPHANT MAN NOSE

BUSH TO RESIGN PRESIDENCY AT NOON
FORMER PRESIDENT GEORGE W.  BUSH TO CAMPAIGN FULL-TIME FOR HIS RE-ELECTION BID IN NOVEMBER
submitted by Zach | submit headline idea

HALIBURTON EYEING OIL DEPOSITS IN HOLLYWOOD HILLS
PENTAGON READIES MILITARY; CHENEY SELLS HOLLWOOD STUDIO SHARES SHORT IN HOPES OF PROFITEERING FROM PREEMPTIVE INVASION

KERRY CLEARS UP CONFLICTING VIETNAM MEDALS STATEMENT
SENATOR EXPLAINS: "MY MEDALS WEREN'T THROWN AWAY BY ME... I DIDN'T SAY THAT. I SAID I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THROWING MEDALS I SAID THAT WERE MINE AWAY."

BUSH TO 9-11 COMMISSION: EMAIL FROM CIA CITING AL QUEDA THREAT DELETED WITH SPAM
CIA EMAIL SUBJECT READ 'RE: FROM GEORGE - CHECK THIS OUT', WAS DELETED ALONG WITH MESS OF MORTGAGE RE-FI, VIAGRA, AND JOHN McCAIN EMAILS

SENATOR KERRY TO BUY CATHOLIC CHURCH, GIVE SELF COMMUNION
COMMUNION DENIED DUE TO ABORTION SUPPORT; KERRY SAYS 'MY OTHER OPTION , FOR ME TO DISAGREE WITH MY ABORTION STANCE, HAS NOT BEEN RULED OUT'

KERRY CELEBRATES EARTH DAY BY BURNING AL GORE'S 'EARTH IN THE BALANCE' IN MANSION FURNACES, INSTEAD OF OIL
MONEY SAVED BY BURNING $0.49 BOOK INSTEAD OF MID-EAST OIL WILL HELP FUND KERRY'S FIGHT AGAINST THE RICH

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS LEADING IN DEMOCRATS' "ANYONE BUT BUSH" CAMPAIGN
SQUAREPANTS' VICE PRESIDENTIAL PICK RUMORED TO BE POPULAR TRAVELOCITY LAWN ORNAMENT, THE TRAVELING GNOME

KERRY'S IMAGE CONSULTANTS SUGGEST MORE BOTOX
SOAP ALSO SUGGESTED FOR FOUL MOUTH AND FRENCH STENCH; SURGERY TO REDUCE  FACE LENGTH RULED OUT

LARRY KING PUTS HILLARY ON HOT SEAT
SENATOR CLINTON SQUIRMS IN SEAT AS PREHISTORIC CNN INTERVIEWER CHALLENGES HER WITH HARDBALL QUESTION: "DO YOU ALWAYS LOOK THIS BEAUTIFUL?"

KERRY SPEECH CANCELED DUE TO FCC CRACKDOWN ON INDECENCY
FCC WILL ALLOW WRITTEN SCRIPT TO BE READ TO PRESS WITH 7-SECOND DELAY

KERRY LIMITS ATTACKS ON BUSH TO 12 DURING RECOUNT OF HIS VIETNAM EXPERIENCE
KERRY ASKED ABOUT 3RD PUPRLE HEART: AWARDED AFTER PIN-PRICK SUFFERED IN AFFIXING THE 2ND

LIBERAL RADIO YANKED FROM CHICAGO, L.A. AFTER TWO 'SUCCESSFUL' WEEKS
AL FRANKEN INSISTS FOUR REMAINING STATIONS ARE 'THE FOUNDATION FOR THE LIBERAL POWERHOUSE THAT WILL DEFEAT LIMBAUGH'

BUSH CRITICIZED FOR BREATHING RYHTHM DURING PRESS CONFERENCE
ALSO: BUSH STYLIST FIRED AS 'UNKEMPT HAIRDO' ECLIPSES MEDIA ATTEMPT TO MAKE FOOL OF PRESIDENT

SCREENING OF 'THE PASSION' FOR HALIBURTON EMPLOYEES ANGERS DEMS
'CHOPPING DOWN THOSE TREES IN THE MIDDLE OF THAT CARIBOU NEST TO INSTALL THE OIL-POWERED MOVIE RIG WAS NOT OUR BEST P.R. MOVE POLITICALLY' SAYS HALIBURTON EXEC

KUCINICH DROPS OUT OF PRESIDENTIAL RACE
TROUBLE MAKING AUTO LOAN PAYMENTS ON 'RESIDENCE' CITED; WILL TRANSITION INTO MORE LUCRATIVE AND MORE RESPECTABLE VENTURE AS SPAM EMAILER

BOMBSHELL SEPT. 10 MEMO IGNORED BY BUSH
DECLASSIFIED 9/10/01 MEMO SPECIFICALLY INDICATED THAT 'TERRORISM MAY OCCUR SOMETIME'; NO ACTION TAKEN BY UNINTERESTED BUSH ADMIN

LIFE IMITATES SATIRE
DEMS BASH BUSH FOR NOT BEING 'PREEMPTIVE WARMONGER'

PRE 9-11 LACK OF RACIAL PROFILING, ABSENCE OF PREEMPTIVE WAR INFURIATES DEMOCRATS; BUSH CRITICIZED FOR BEING 'NOT COWBOY ENOUGH'

LEAK: 2ND SEASON OF APPRENTICE WILL INCLUDE TOKEN BLACK VICTIM
TRUMP INTERVIEWING 'A NUMBER OF CONTROVERSIAL AFRICAN-AMERICAN VICTIMS' FOR 2ND SEASON OF HIT SHOW TO INSTIGATE RACE ARGUMENTS, REPRESENT THE 'EVERYONE-LOVES-TO-HATE' PERSONA

FLAG ON MOSQUE MAILBOX BROKEN DURING FALUJAH FIREFIGHT
U.N. DEMANDS U.S. MILITARY 'RESPECT PLACE OF WORSHIP AND THOSE MILITANTS HOLED UP THEREIN'

GLITCH IN ONLINE SHOPPING CART PREVENTS SUITCASE NUKE SALE
CIVILIZATION SPARED

KENNEDY CLARIFIES SLAM AT BUSH
SEN. TED KENNEDY (DRUNK-MASS.) ALLEGES HE MEANT TO SAY: 'IRAQ IS LIKE MY BROTHER'S VIETNAM'

DEMOCRATS RUNNING OUT 'MOST IMPORTANT ISSUE IN THIS ELECTION' ISSUES
WITH JOBS UNFORTUNATELY ON REBOUND, NEW 'MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION ISSUE' IS LEGALIZATION OF MARIJUANA

POLL: WILLIAM HUNG SOARS PAST KERRY IN LIKEABILITY RATING
FAILED AMERICAN IDOL SUPERSTAR HUNG TO RELEASE 'HE BANGS' AS TRIBUTE TO KERRY'S BUSH-BASHING PROWESS

EXCITING JOB FIGURES PUT DEMOCRATS IN BAD MOOD
ATTACKS IN FALUJAH A WELCOME DIVERSION TO UPBEAT ECONOMIC NEWS

7-11 NEAR DNC HQ SELLS OUT OF MAALOX ON NEWS OF EXPLOSIVE JOB GROWTH
DEMOCRATS REACT TO GOOD NEWS: 'OH YEAH, WELL WHERE'S OSAMA?'

KERRY: 'I'LL CREATE 10 ZILLION JOBS'
KERRY DISCOUNTS EXPLOSIVE JOB GROWTH UNDER BUSH AS 'RIGHT-WING CONSPIRACY', SAYS HE'LL 'REALLY BRING IT ON'

SOROS BLAMES BUSH ATTACKS ON GLUE
LEFT-WING CURRENCY CRISIS CREATOR BLAMES ANTI-BUSH TIRADES ON GLUE SNIFFING HABIT

NEW LIBERAL RADIO GETS RAVE REVIEW
LISTENER DELIGHTED AS HOST AL FRANKEN DELIVERS HILARIOUS JOKE ABOUT BUSH RAPING AND PILLAGING COUNTRIES FOR OIL

KING OF PROSTHETIC NOSES POPS UP IN D.C. TODAY
MICHAEL JACKSON ON CAPITOL HILL LOBBYING SUPPORT FOR RETROACTIVE LEGALIZATION OF CHILD MOLESTATION

GAS PRICES PLUMMET TO RECORD LOW IN ENGLAND AT £6.30 ($11.51 U.S.)
COST OF GAS STATESIDE ESCALATING; GAS COSTS FOR KERRY S.U.V. FLEET CHIPPING AWAY AT $760 BILLION FORTUNE

GORE THREATENS KERRY WITH ENDORSEMENT
ELECTION 2000 LOSER TO KERRY: 'IF YOU DON'T BEGIN CALLING ME FROM TIME TO TIME, I SWEAR I'LL GO ON TV AND ENDORSE YOU'

OPTOMOLOGISTS INTRIGUED BY RICHARD CLARK'S 20/20 HINDSIGHT
CLARK: 'THE 19 HIJACKERS ON SEPT. 11 SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ALLOWED TO BOARD THE PLANES'; RETROSPECTED DIAGNOSIS IS 'SO ACCURATE, IT'S SCARY' SAY EXPERTS

KERRY PROMISES 10 MILLION NEW GOVERNMENT JOBS
MOST JOBS WILL BE FROM PROPOSED NEW FRENCH WING OF U.S. GOVERNMENT

AL KERRYAEDA TERROR NETWORK DISTRACTING BUSH FROM WAR ON TERROR
BUSH INSISTS WAR WILL LAST BEYOND THE INAUGURATION

PALESTINIAN OLYMPIC TEAM PUTS TERROR ON HOLD TO PRACTICE OLYMPIC STUFF
EVENTUAL SUICIDE BOMBERS TRAIN FOR SHARP-SHOOTING EVENT; OLYMPIC WIN WILL BE CELEBRATED WITH BURNING FLAGS, SHOOTING GUNS INTO AIR, KILLING PEOPLE

DICK (CLARK) INNER THOUGHTS WERE DISREGARDED BY BUSH
FORMER Y2K CONSPIRATOR MIFFED THAT SILENT OPPOSITION TO BUSH FOREIGN POLICY WAS IGNORED

HILLARY TAPS KERRY FOR VP ROLE
SEN. CLINTON FEELS TALL, BOTOXED SNOWBOARDER WILL ADD 'SPORTY EDGE' TO HER INEVITABLE CANDIDACY

KERRY TO COMPETE IN X-GAMES
LANKY FRENCHMAN WILL SNOWBOARD FROM MT. EVEREST PEAK, SKATE IN HALF-PIPE COMPETITION, AND CORD-LESS BUNGEE JUMP

MADELINE ALBRIGHT'S GIGANTIC FLAG BROOCH IS PROOF OF HER PATRIOTISM
HELEN THOMAS CLONE CONTRIBUTES TO CLINTON ADMIN WINNING BATTLE TO PROVE IT DID LESS TO PREVENT TERROR

PALESTINIANS BUILD WALL TO PROTECT SELVES FROM ISRAELI PEACEMAKERS
AL AQSA MURDERERS BRIGADE TO CELEBRATE COMPLETION OF WALL WITH SUICIDE FIREWORKER IN TEL AVIV

BUSH KNEW ABOUT 9-11, BUT NOT THAT ANYTHING WOULD HAPPEN THAT DAY
'I SAW THE DATE IN MY DAY PLANNER, KNEW IT WAS THERE, BUT THAT'S ABOUT IT' INSISTS PRESIDENT

KERRY PROMISES TO SEND TROOPS ABROAD ONLY AT THE DIRECTION OF SEAN PENN
ALSO, KERRY CLEARS MATTER ON COLOSSAL WAFFLE: SAYS HE ACTUALLY DID SAY HE "VOTED AGAINST THE $87 BILLION BEFORE HE VOTED AGAINST IT" BEFORE HE SAID HE DIDN'T SAY IT

KERRY SPENDS WEEKEND RELAXING, CURSING AT SECRET SERVICE
SENATOR KERRY DISCREETLY ESCAPES ON PRIVATE SKI TRIP WITH CROWD OF PHOTOGRAPHERS, REPORTERS IN TOW

MARS ROVER ENCOUNTERS DAMAGED 'FLYING SAUCER' ON RED PLANET
NASA SENDING CREW OF MILITARY POLICE TO SECURE AREA, SAYS SAUCER IS 'WEATHER BALLOON'

VIAGRA COMPANY BUYS DEAN FOR AMERICA EMAIL LIST
COMPANY INSISTS IT WILL ONLY ADVERTISE MORTGAGE REFI PACKAGES AND PENIS SIZE ADJUSTERS

KUCINICH MAKES PROGRESS IN CAMPAIGN AGAINST KERRY FOR NOMINATION
KUCINICH CAMP CLAIMS TO HAVE 'ROCKETED PAST' 0% MARK ON WAY TO 1% IN POLLS

SURVEY: MOST ON KERRY'S SECRET SERVICE DETAIL WOULD TAKE BULLET
SURVEY RESULTS:
WOULD TAKE BULLET FOR KERRY: 51%
WOULD NOT TAKE BULLET FOR KERRY: 43%
UNDECIDED: 6%

AL FRANKEN, SHERYL CROW REVEALED AS TWO 'WORLD LEADERS' IN KERRY CLAIM
FOREIGN LEADER MADONNA TO SUPPORT FRENCH-AMERICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE KERRY AS WELL

MAN WITH TIME MACHINE SAYS KERRY PRESIDENCY WAS 'DISMAL FAILURE'
ALSO: REPUBLICAN PARTY COMES CLEAN IN 2012, ADMITS IT HATES CLEAN WATER, ANIMALS, AND OLD PEOPLE

POLL: KERRY STILL UGLY DESPITE BOTOX TREATMENTS, LIPSTICK
FRENCH MANICURES AND EUROPEAN-TAILORED SUITS SCORE POINTS WITH VANITY FAIR EDITOR, BUT FAIL TO IMPRESS MIDDLE AMERICA

KERRY CLAIMS THAT FOREIGN DICTATORS WOULD RATHER SEE HIM PRESIDENT
'THIS PRESIDENT HAS DAMAGED THE GOOD WILL WE HAD WITH OUR ENEMIES AND I INTEND TO REPAIR IT', SAYS KERRY

GORE IN VIETNAM PICKING FIGHTS WITH VILLAGERS
FORMER VEEP HOPES 'I FOUGHT IN VIETNAM TOO' LINE WILL WORK AS POLITICAL COMBACK STRATEGY

FOXNEWS' SPECIAL ON LEFTWINGISM OF CNN RUFFLES FEATHERS
'YES YOU ARE' - 'NO WE'RE NOT' BATTLE ENSUES AS FOXNews DOCUMENTARY POINTS OUT THE OBVIOUS

CORNER QUICKIE-MART APPEALS TO U.S. TREASURY TO MAKE CHANGE FOR ZILLION-DOLLAR BILL
TRANSACTION TO BE FINALIZED WHEN 'MORE MONEY IS PRINTED'; CHANGE FROM GUM PURCHASE EXPECTED TO SHAKE GLOBAL ECONOMY

KERRY PLEADS TO "REPUBLICAN ATTACK MACHINE" TO STOP BRINGING IT ON
ALSO: KERRY RECEIVES 4TH PURPLE HEART FOR WOUND SUFFERED DURING CLASS WARFARE

FLORIDA PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
VOTERS DO SURPRISINGLY WELL IN FLORIDA'S DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY

ONLY 'A HANDFULL' OF RECOUNTS NECESSARY AS DEMOCRATS TANGLE WITH NEW BABY EINSTEIN VOTING MACHINES

FLORIDA PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
ANTI-IRAQ WAR KERRY NARROWLY WINS FLORIDA PRIMARY

RESULTS (93% OF PRECINCTS REPORTING):
ANTI-IRAQ WAR KERRY: 31%
PRO -IRAQ WAR KERRY: 29%
OTHER KERRYS : 12%

OTHER CANDIDATES: 27% (SPLIT AMONG 8)

ALWAYS FAIR, DEMOCRATS CRITICIZE F.D.R. FOR WWII IMAGES IN 1940 REELECTION ADS
DEMOCRATS: 'IMAGES OF AMERICA HELPING EUROPE FIGHT NAZIS AND FACISTS EXPLOIT THE WAR FOR POLITICAL PURPOSES'

KERRY'S CADAVEROUS STAGE PRESENCE HAS DEMS YEARNING FOR CHARISMA OF AL GORE
TEAM OF IMAGE CONSULTANTS WORKING OVERTIME TO IMPROVE ON BOTOXED SENATOR'S UNINTENTIONAL LURCH IMPRESSION

BUSH BLAMES ESCALATING GAS PRICES ON 'KERRY AND HIS BIG OIL BUDDIES'
PREZ SAYS, 'I NEVER THOUGHT KERRY'D HAVE F- - K'ED THE GAS SH-T UP SO BAD"

KERRY DENIES, THEN ADMITS TO BEING FLIP-FLOPPER
G.O.P. ASKS DEMOCRATS TO REMOVE AD DEPICTING KERRY AS DECISIVE ON ISSUES

KERRY RETOOLS CAMPAIGN LOGO TO LOOK LESS LIKE NORTH VIETNAMESE FLAG
KERRY CAMPAIGN DENIES 'BRING IT ON' BATTLE CRY STOLEN FROM GOOKS IN JUNGLE

SKULL & BONES MEMBERSHIP ON eBAY INFURIATES TRILATERAL COMMISSION
MORE SIGNS OF DETERIORATING BONES' MYSTIQUE: OPEN HOUSE AT THE TOMB, BONESMEN CHATTING ABOUT SECRET SOCIETY ON SPRINGER

AMERICAN WOMEN CALL KERRY'S FOOTAGE OF HIMSELF IN ADS 'DISGUSTING'
WOMEN: 'HIS MESSAGE ALONE IS A REAL TURN-OFF... PLASTERING PICTURES OF HIMSELF ONLY POLLUTE IT MORE'

OMAROSA HAS CONCUSSION, TRIES TO EAT, GETS F-BOMBED, GETS FIRED
RACE-BAITING VICTIM OF DRYWALL CHIP WILL RETURN TO POLITICS AS DEMOCRATIC STRATEGIST

KERRY ASKS PERMISSION FROM U.N. TO DEFEND SELF AGAINST NEW BUSH AD
KERRY OUTRAGED: ATTACKS BUSH FOR USING 9-11 ATTACK BACKDROP IN ATTACK AD ABOUT 9-11 ATTACK

KERRY RUNS OUT OF LOSERS TO HIDE BEHIND
SHARPTON, KUCINICH FAIL TO PROVIDE ADEQUATE COVER FOR LIBERAL VOTING RECORD, GIGALO HISTORY

SUPER TUESDAY SPECIAL REPORT
KERRY'S SUCCESSES HURT EDWARDS' PRESIDENTIAL BID AND KUCINICH'S CHANCES OF GETTING GIRLFRIEND

SHARPTON DENIES BEING 'AFFECTED' BY KERRY SUPER TUESDAY BLOWOUT, STILL EXPECTS TO WIN NOMINATION

SUPER TUESDAY SPECIAL REPORT
SUPER-DUPER TUESDAY TURNS OUT TO BE CRAPPY FOR EDWARDS

EDWARDS EXPECTED TO DROP OUT OF RACE, FATHER EXTENDS JOB OFFER AT MILL

SUPER TUESDAY SPECIAL REPORT
KUCINICH, SHARPTON URGE EDWARDS TO DROP OUT

DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL COMEDY DUO CONCERNED THAT EDWARDS WILL 'LOOK LIKE A LOSER' IF HE REMAINS  IN RACE

SUPER TUESDAY SPECIAL REPORT
VERMONT HANDS PRIMARY TO THAT CRAZY GUY

DEAN WILL RE-ENTER RACE, PLEDGES TO 'TAKE THE WHITE HOUSE BACK FROM JOHN KERRY'

BUSH CAMPAIGN MOOCHING OFF FREE DICK MORRIS ADVICE
'WE'VE SAVED THOUSANDS BY SIMPLY WATCHING HANNITY & COLMES... DICK MORRIS OFFERS EXCELLENT STRATEGY ADVICE... UH, PLEASE DON'T PRINT THIS', SAYS BUSH CAMPAIGN ADVISERS

NEW LIBERAL TALK SHOW GETS LISTENER
HOST BROADCASTING FROM HAM RADIO IN BASEMENT, EXPECTS SURGE IN LISTENERS AS FRIENDS, FAMILY TUNE IN

ROME ON ALERT AS 'THE PASSION' INCITES ANTI-ROMANISM
ITALIANS BRACE FOR WAVE OF VIOLENCE AS BLOODTHIRSTY FILMGOERS REALIZE IT WAS ROMANS, NOT JEWS WHO 'KILLED JESUS'

ORLANDO MAGIC ECSTATIC ABOUT 1-GAME WINNING STREAK
'THIS IS A REAL ABOUT-FACE FOR US, AND IT IS A PREVIEW OF INCREDIBLE THINGS TO COME', SAYS COACH OF LAST-PLACE NBA TEAM

MEDIA ALL OF A SUDDEN CONCERNED WITH VIOLENCE IN MOVIES
GIBSON TO CREATE NEW MOVIE WITH NON-VIOLENT AND BLOODLESS CRUCIFIXION SCENES, SUBTITLED IN FRENCH

KERRY SEES 'NO NEED' TO RELEASE VIETNAM INJURY RECORDS
TREE-TRUNK-FACED SENATOR DENIES THREE PURPLE HEART 'INJURIES' WERE FOR STUBBED TOE, HANGNAIL, AND CHAPPED LIP

REBELS, U.S. MARINES ARRIVE IN HAITIAN CAPITAL TO DRIVE AL SHARPTON OUT
BUSH CRITICIZED FOR BEING 'UNILATERAL PEACEMAKER' IN HAITI

JOHN EDWARDS' MOM TAKES 'WIFE OF A MILLWORKER' SPEECH TO CAMPAIGN TRAIL
UNLIKE SON'S STUMP SPEECH, MRS. EDWARDS SPEAKS OF 'EIGHT AMERICAS', NOT TWO

'PASSION' VIEWERS LAY SIEGE TO JERUSALEM
MOVIE-GOERS TURNED ANTI-SEMITIC ATTACK HOLY LAND; PRIME MINISTER SHARON TO ADDRESS WORLD AT NOON

REVEALED: BUSH SECRETLY HAS EXPLOSIVE JOB GROWTH UNDER WRAPS
SKY-ROCKETING EMPLOYMENT WILL BE UNLEASHED WITH OTHER OCTOBER ELECTION SURPRISES: BIN LADEN, HOFFA, AND SASQUATCH

SENATOR JOHN KERRY DELIVERS WAFFLE TO ISRAEL
KERRY TO ISRAEL: 'THE WEST BANK FENCE IS A VERY GOOD IDEA... IT SHOULD BE TORN DOWN.'

EDWARDS, KERRY TO DEBATE
SHARPTON AND KUCINICH WILL ALSO BE PRESENT FOR SOME REASON, HANGING AROUND DEBATE STAGE, SAYING STUFF

'BUBBA THE LOVE SPONGE' NOW JUST 'TODD'
SHOCK JOCK NO LONGER ON RADIO, JUST ON COUCH

EDWARDS DISAPPOINTED BUSH LEFT HIM OUT
EDWARDS BLASTS BUSH FOR IGNORING HIS PRESENCE IN RACE, SAYS BUSH SHOULD 'BRING IT ON'

BUSH BLAMED FOR A LOT
WHITE HOUSE COMPLAINT DEPT. DEALING WITH SPECTRUM OF DISAPPOINTMENTS: FAILED IRAQ POSTWAR, LEAKY FAUCET AT KERRY ESTATE, OTHERS

SHARPTON, KUCINICH CONSIDER ALLIANCE TO BOLSTER LAUGHABLE CAMPAIGNS
GAY MARRIAGE NOT RULED OUT

FISHERMAN USING DYNAMITE 'CATCHES' SCUBA DIVER
ALSO: NRA PROMOTION OF 'RECREATIONAL ANTI-AIRCRAFT WEAPONS' QUESTIONED

BUSH ALIENATING LIBERALS RIGHT AND LEFT
FROM STRONG NATIONAL DEFENSE POSITION TO GAY MARRIAGE BAN, BUSH CONTINUES MAKING ANGRY LEFT MAD

IRANIAN BAKING COOKIES 'ACCIDENTALLY' CREATES NUCLEAR BOMB
NUCLEAR PHYSICIST INTENDED 'ONLY TO MAKE A PAN OF SNIKER DOODLES', CLAIMS IRANIAN INFORMATION MINISTER

DECORATED ANTI-WAR HERO KERRY SORRY HE ASKED BUSH TO BRING IT ON
W. LAUNCHES FIRST AD; JIMMY CARTER DISPATCHED TO BUSH CAMPAIGN TO NEGOTIATE CEASE-FIRE

BUSH SECRET WEAPON: NADER A REPUBLICAN?
DOES THIS CONSUMER ADVOCATE BUSH?

ANTI-SEMITIC NEW TESTAMENT TO BE REMOVED FROM BIBLE
ALSO: ANTI-NON-ISLAMIC KORAN TO REPLACE GIDEON'S BIBLE IN HOTELS

BOBBY BROWN NOT IN JAIL
LATE BREAKING UPDATE: BOBBY BROWN IN JAIL

OTHER AMERICA FOUND
2ND AMERICA FROM JOHN EDWARDS' "TWO AMERICAS" SPEECH FOUND 'HANGING OUT' WITH ATLANTIS

DEANIACS EXCITED ANOTHER FRINGE LONG-SHOT WILL RUN FOR PRESIDENT
RALPH NADER'S OUT-OF-TOUCH POLITICAL PLATFORM WILL ATTRACT FORMER DEAN CRAZIES; DEANIACS HAPPY NEW CAMPAIGN WILL PROVIDE NEW REASONS TO BE MAD

KERRY AND EDWARDS TO 'DEBATE'
GIGOLO AND TRIAL ATTORNEY TO 'PARSE DIFFERENCES'; TWO HOUR DEBATE WILL FOCUS ON NUANCES OF NAFTA, KERRY'S VP CHOICE, TIE COLOR CHOICES

DEAN REMAINS IN RACE AFTER DROPPING OUT
DEAN VOWS TO KEEP GRASSROOTS ORGANIZATION INTACT AND VIBRANT, MINUS PAYCHECKS

DEAN NO LONGER MAD, JUST CRAZY; FORMER FRONTRUNNER VOWS TO 'STAY IN RACE FOREVER'
REMAINING DEAN CAMPAIGN STAFFERS MEET IN TELEPHONE BOOTH TO DISCUSS FUTURE LOSSES

YANKEES AGREE TO BI-WEEKLY LAUNDERING SCHEDULE TO AFFORD A-ROD
PLAYERS URGED TO 'NOT GET THAT DIRTY', AS DRY CLEANING FUNDS WERE PLUNDERED TO LAND $252 MILLION THIRD BASEMAN

DEAN HIRES JANITOR FROM QUICKIE-MART TO RUN FLOUNDERING CAMPAIGN
DEAN ADMITS HE 'ABSOLUTELY MUST WIN' WISCONSIN STATE LOTTERY TO STAY IN RACE

MARS ROVER TRIP HALTED BY ROCK
MUCH ANTICIPATED $37 MILLION, 9 INCH TRIP TOWARD 'ROCKS OF INTEREST' ENDS AS SPIRIT'S WHEEL GETS STUCK ON ROCK

DALE EARNHARDT JR. WINS DAYTONA OF COURSE
HOMOPHOBIC, RELIGIOUS, REBEL FLAG-WAVING BUDWEISER DRINKERS APPLAUD INEVITABLE WIN; DEMOCRAT ATTENDED RACE

CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR MAY LOBBY FOR RECALL
GOVERNOR SCHWARZENEGGER MILKING SICK DAYS AFTER PULLING MUSCLE DURING PILATES WORKOUT; INTEREST IN GOVERNING UNFIXABLE STATE SEEMS TO BE WANING

KERRY: 'I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH THAT WOMAN ALEX POLIER'
TERESA HEINZ-KERRY TELLS TODAY SHOW'S MATT LAUER: 'VAST RIGHT-WING CONSPIRACY IS CONSPIRING AGAINST MY HUSBAND'

MOST AMERICANS SICK AND TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT OPRAH'S WEALTH
'SHE DOES A LOT OF GOOD AND ALL, BUT SHE SURE IS INFECTED WITH A BAD CASE OF I-GOT-IT-ALLISM', SAYS AMERICA

JANE FONDA GETS FLACK FOR APPEARING IN PHOTO WITH JOHN KERRY
DAMNING PHOTO CIRCULATES ON INTERNET; FORMER COMMUNIST SYMPATHIZER SEEN SITTING NEAR FONDA

DEAN ADVOCATES DRINKING PEE
CONCERNS ABOUT INFECTIONS FROM DRINKING RIVER WATER PROMPT WISCONSIN PRIMARY HOPEFUL TO ENCOURAGE SWITCH TO DOG URINE

WES CLARK QUITS DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL RACE
GENERAL WILL RETURN TO ROOTS, BECOME PRO-BUSH REPUBLICAN AGAIN

ATKINS SAID 'F' WORD IN '98 DIET TIMES MAGAZINE INTERVIEW
MORE DIRT 'LIKELY TO COME OUT' ON OBESE, FOUL MOUTHED DIET GURU

GORE KEEPS GETTING ANSWERING MACHINE, CITES 'PROBLEM WITH PHONE'
PHONE COMPANY CHECKS GORE HOUSEHOLD PHONE OUT OF COURTESY, NO PROBLEMS REPORTED; CONTACT CAN NOT BE MADE TO KERRY, EDWARDS, GRANDMA GORE

CNN ACCIDENTALLY BROADCASTS POSITIVE PORTRAYAL OF BUSH
NETWORK EXECS ISSUE STATEMENT, APOLOGIZE FOR 'IMPROPER AND UNINTENTIONAL PROGRAMMING MALFUNCTION'

NETWORKS PLEDGE TO 'CLEAN UP' RAUNCHY PRIME TIME PROGRAMMING
DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY DEBATES TO BE BROADCAST AFTER MIDNIGHT

MAN FOUND LIVING IN HILLS TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT KERRY'S VIETNAM SERVICE
BEARDED HERMIT SAYS HE 'CHOSE NOT TO HAVE A TV OR RADIO IN HIS CAVE FOR A REASON', ASKS KERRY TO 'GIVE IT A REST'

GORE FRIGHTENS DEAN WITH 'I HAVE A MORE PSYCHOTIC SCREAM' SPEECH
SWEAT-STAINED LOSER OF 2000 ELECTION SCARES DEAN, VOTERS AWAY WITH RABID BLOOD CURDLER

DEAN NOW SAYS HE'S BEEN RUNNING FOR 2008 NOMINATION
'WHY WOULD I QUIT SO EARLY IN THE RACE?', ASKS DEAN

KERRY'S FREELOADING OBLIGATIONS MET, SAYS SPOKESMAN
KERRY PROMISES TO RELEASE PAYROLL RECORDS FROM 'RICH & LONELY HEIRESS HUNTING' JOB

TALENT-LESS BOOBS AT GRAMMYS ARE STILL BETTER THAN YOU ARE
STRANGE SELF-APPLAUDING 'PERFORMERS' STEAL THE STAGE; SOME CHANNEL SURFERS MISTAKE FREAK SHOW FOR A DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE

KERRY NOMINATION MAY RE-IGNITE COLD WAR BETWEEN U.S. AND MASSACHUSETTS
PEOPLES REPUBLIC OF MASS. FLEXES MUSCLE, MICHAEL DUKAKIS ROLLS PAST GRANDSTAND IN TANK AT ANNUAL MAY DAY PARADE

POLL: MOST OPPOSE DEATH PENALTY FOR MARTHA STEWART
PUBLIC FEELS CAPITAL PUNISHMENT 'TOO HARSH' FOR ARTS-AND-CRAFTS MOGUL

ALL OF KUCINICH'S DELEGATES WILL TRAVEL IN RENTED MINI COOPER TO CONVENTION
CAMPAIGN TREASURER/CHAUFFER/CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTER MECHANIC STILL SEARCHING FOR CO-SIGNER ON LOAN FOR $65 RENTAL COST

YOKO FINALLY APOLOGIZES
JOHN LENNON'S CRAZY WIFE CLAIMS SHE HAS 'COME TO HER SENSES'; HER PLAN TO 'RE-UNITE THESE BOYS FOR ONE LAST BEATLES TOUR' SUGGESTS SHE HASN'T

MEDIA LIED, CONVINCED US OF AN 'INEVITABLE' DEAN NOMINATION ON FALSE PRETENSES
MEDIA INTELLIGENCE SAID TO BE 'FAULTY', SAID DEAN POSED IMMINENT THREAT; SEARCH FOR DEAN'S ELECTIBILITY CONTINUES, BUT NO EVIDENCE LIKELY TO BE FOUND

DEAN TO MAKE CUSTER-LIKE LAST STAND IN WISCONSIN
DEAN, LIKE CUSTER, IS BEING PUMELED BY ONE KERRY PRIMARY WIN AFTER ANOTHER

KERRY PROPOSES 'NO SPECIAL INTEREST LEFT BEHIND' LEGISLATION
WEALTHY MASSACHUSETTS BOTOX USER BATTLES SPECIAL INTERESTS, RICH BY RAKING IN RICHES FROM SPECIAL INTERESTS

OMAROSA, UNFORTUNATELY, NOT FIRED
RACE-BAITER SURVIVES ON APPRENTICE; VIEWERS TO OMAROSA: 'WHERE'S THE MONEY?'

DEAN'S GRANDMOTHER SENDS MUCH NEEDED ANNUAL $5 BIRTHDAY CHECK
UNAPPRECIATIVE DEAN OPENS CARD UPSIDE DOWN, SHAKES $5 CHECK OUT INTO CAMPAIGN COFFERS, THROWS CARD AWAY

MIDDLE EASTERN ARABS JEALOUS OF 'POSH DIGS' AFFORDED BY 'LUCKY FEW' AT GUANTANAMO
MOVING FROM CAMEL SKIN TENTS IN DESERT TO LUXURY PENS AT GITMO A 'DREAM FOR MANY OF US', ARABS SAY

KERRY DEBATES SELF ON IRAQ
KERRY VOTED FOR WAR HE DID NOT APPROVE OF, INSISTED WMD THAT BUSH LIED ABOUT DO EXIST

WES CLARK SAYS ANOTHER THING THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE
AFTER GAFFE, GENERAL CONTINUES FLIPPING PANCAKES, HOPES HERD OF VOTERS, SEA OF REPORTERS, AND CROWD OF TELEVISION CAMERAS DIDN'T NOTICE

ROMANS 1:27 EDITED TO ALLOW SAME-SEX MARRIAGE
MASSACHUSETTS LEGISLATURE RATIFIES AMENDMENT TO NEW TESTAMENT, WILL CONSIDER INSERTION OF WORD 'EVOLUTION' INTO GENESIS NEXT

KERRY WINS 5 OF 7 PRIMARY STATES
DEAN WINS FOURTH PLACE IN CHARITY BINGO GAME AT COMMUNITY CENTER IN UPSTATE WASHINGTON

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE PERFORMS AT NEVERLAND, RIPS MICHAEL JACKSON'S PROSTETIC FACE OFF
ORIGINAL BLACK VERSION OF POP STAR UNDERNEATH; FCC INVESTIGATING 'INDECENT EXPOSURE'

DEAN ON LOSING ALL SEVEN TUESDAY PRIMARIES: 'WHATEVER.'
DEAN DENIES THAT POLLS, VOTES, OR ELECTIBILITY MATTERS; MOST DEANIE BABIES LOOKING FOR WORK, SELLING BEANIE BABIES ON eBAY

TERROR ON CAPITOL HILL: RICIN MAILED TO SENATOR FRIST; PELOSI OPENS LETTER CONTAINING MILD COUGH
RICE IN ENVELOPE MAILED TO ANOTHER SENATOR FIRST PROMPTS CONCERNS, THEN SUBSIDES

TED KENNEDY'S BREAST FALLS OUT 'BY ACCIDENT' DURING KERRY EVENT
LARGE-BOSSOMED SENATOR BLAMES 'WARDROBE ERROR', SAYS XXXXL SHIRT WAS 'WAY TOO SMALL', FORCED GROTESQUE BREAST OUT

JANET JACKSON'S SILICONE IMPLANT MAKES 'SURPRISE' APPEARANCE AT SUPERBOWL
WOMEN FROM 'THE APPRENTICE' APPLAUD JACKSON'S CONTRIBUTION TO THE BATTLE AGAINST WOMENS' MOVEMENT

MONEYLESS DEAN CANCELS 4 MINUTE SUPERBOWL AD, WILL CAMPAIGN IN STANDS INSTEAD
'WE'RE GOING TO ROW 198, AND ROW 197, AND ROW 196, AND THEN TO THE CONCESSION STAND TO TAKE BACK THIS CAMPAIGN!" SCREAMS DEAN

BOTOX BACKFIRES FOR FORMERLY LEATHERFACED PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE
INJECTIONS INTENDED TO SOFTEN HAUGHTY FRENCH LOOK END UP CREATING PRE-FACELIFT GRETA VAN SUSTEREN

DEANFORAMERICA.com SOLD ON EBAY FOR $29
NEW CAMPAIGN MGR TO CLOSE DOWN 'NEWFANGLED INTERNET ONLINE STORE OR WHATEVER' TO SEND DEAN CAMPAIGNING ON HORSEBACK; DONATIONS WILL NOW BE SOLICITED BY TELEGRAPHED MORSE CODE

DAVID KAY FINDS REASON TO SUSPECT WIFE IS HIDING ILLNESS
FORMER WEAPONS INSPECTOR FINDS SUSPICIOUS CACHE OF WebMD IN WIFE'S BROWSER

DRUDGE HIGHLIGHTS SUSPICIONS ABOUT KERRY'S BOTOXED, LESS-DROOPY FACE
MICHAEL JACKSON SAYS KERRY'S TRANSFORMATION OVER THE YEARS IS 'DEFINITELY NOT NATURAL'

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
DEAN INSISTS 'ELECTIBILITY' DOESN'T MATTER

DEAN: 'THIS CAMPAIGN IS ABOUT THE INTERNET, SHIRTSLEEVES, AND ORANGE WOOL CAPS, NOT ELECTIBILITY'

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
LIEBERMAN THINKS HE 'TIED' FOR THIRD

DEMOCRATIC VOTE COUNTING METHODOLOGY MAY EXPLAIN ODD CLAIM

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
KUCINICH EXCITED ABOUT ANOTHER LOSS

CANDIDATE EXCEEDS EXPECTATIONS AGAIN WITH ANOTHER LAST PLACE FINISH, WILL DRIVE HOUSE TO OKLAHOMA TO LOSE IN THEIR PRIMARY AS WELL

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
DEAN TO ACCEPT VALET JOB
AT DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION
MOST DEANIACS HANG UP ORANGE HATS, GO BACK TO SMOKING POT

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
REPORTS THAT TERESA HEINZ
'DATED DEAN, MARRIED KERRY' UNTRUE
FRIEND: 'TERESA LIKES DROOPY-FACED FRENCH GUYS, NOT SHORT ANGRY ONES'

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
NEW DEAN IS BORING

BORING NEW SHRIEK-LESS, DECAFFINATED SPEECH BETTER SUITED FOR LIEBERMAN OR AILING POPE

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
J. F'ING K. WINS N.H.

FOUL-MOUTHED SENATOR WINS PRIMARY DESPITE MORE CONSERVATIVE ALCOHOLIC SENATOR'S ENDORSEMENT

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
J. F'ING K. WINS N.H.

KERRY 'TAKES OUR COUNTRY BACK' FROM DEAN; DEBATE RAGES OVER WHETHER KERRY IS 'TOO TALL' AND 'TOO UGLY' TO BE PREZ

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
MICHAEL MOORE ENDORSEMENT SUCCESSFUL IN LOSING N.H. FOR CLARK

'DOCUMENTARIAN' ENDORSEMENT LEAVES CLARK  BOWLING FOR FOURTH PLACE; CLARK STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING ON

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
THE F***ING FRENCHMAN WINS AGAIN

ALOOF SENATOR FROM PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF MASSACHUSSETTS WINS NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
DEAN TO KERRY: 'STOP WHINING'

MOST BELIEVE DEAN TO HAVE MEANT 'STOP WINNING'

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
CAMPAIGNING DEAN ACCIDENTALLY KNOCKS ON KERRY'S HOTEL ROOM DOOR

LOOKING FOR VOTES, DEAN'S HOTEL ROOM VISIT RESULTED IN AWKWARD MOMENT WHEN KERRY ANSWERED DOOR

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
'FUNNYMAN' AL FRANKEN DELIVERS HIILARIOIUS BODY-SLAM TO DEAN HECKLER

FRANKEN: 'I WAS PROTECTING THE HECKLER'S,... I MEAN HOWARD DEAN'S RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH'

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
AL FRANKEN TACKLES DEAN FOR HECKLING PROTESTER WITH NATIONAL ANTHEM

FRANKEN: 'DEAN'S SONG ABOUT THAT COUNTRY VIOLATED THE PROTESTER'S RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH... I HAD TO TACKLE HIM AS PART OF MY KERRY ENDORSEMENT'

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
TONIGHT'S POST-PRIMARY DEAN SPEECH MOST ANTICIPATED TV EVENT SINCE ALLEGED MOON LANDING

BLOOD-CURDLING SCREECH WRITTEN OUT OF SPEECH, MOST VIEWERS WILL BE LET DOWN

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
DEMOCRATS LIKELY TO BE CONFUSED AGAIN BY SIMPLE BALLOTS

EASILY-CONFUSED DEMS MAY MIS-READ NEW FISHER PRICE BALLOTS AND THROW DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION TO BUSH

KERRY BLASTS 'THE PRIVELEGED', VOWS TO HELP POOR TO BECOME LESS POOR, BUT NOT RICH
$760 MILLION DOLLAR ALOOFIST MORTGAGED ONE OF HIS $10 MILLION HOMES TO CAMPAIGN AGAINST 'THE RICH'

KERRY THROWS 'HIS' IRAQ WAR VOTE OVER WHITE HOUSE FENCE IN PROTEST
REAL VOTE HANGS ON KERRY'S OFFICE WALL, VOTE THROWN IN PROTEST WAS EDWARDS'

WES CLARK NOT SURE IF HE MIGHT HAVE NOT VOTED FOR IRAQ WAR
METROSEXUAL GENERAL CLARIFIES POSITION: 'I WOULD HAVE DEFINITELY CONSIDERED AGREEING TO MAYBE GO TO WAR, BUT I ABSOLUTELY PERHAPS DISAGREE WITH THAT WAR... THIS, OF COURSE, DEPENDS ON WHAT YOUR MEANING OF WHAT I SAY IS.'

U.S. TO INVADE GHANDI'S GAS STATION FOR ITS OIL
HILLARY CLINTON PRESSURED TO ENDORSE INVASION, AS SHE INITIALLY IDENTIFIED TARGET

KUCINICH RALLY IN NEW HAMPSHIRE 'ATTENDED'
KUCINICH CAMPAIGN EVENT ORGANIZERS THROWN 'FOR A LOOP' AS EVENT WAS SURPRISINGLY ATTENDED BY 'A HANDFUL OF CURIOUS ONLOOKERS'; EXTRA CHAIR REPORTEDLY NEEDED

POPE PERFORMS 'SITTING & STARING' ACT IN FRONT OF BREAKDANCERS
JOHN PAUL II WOWED BREAKDANCING TROUPE WITH 'DETERMINED SERENITY' AND 'AMAZING RELAXEDNESS'

REPORT: CAUCASIAN NEW HAMPSHIRIAN HAS AL SHARPTON YARD SIGN
UNCONFIRMED REPORT STILL UNCONFIRMED; SHARPTON CAMP HOPEFUL, NOT SURE WHETHER TO BE HAPPY, OR IMPLEMENT RACE CARD

DAVID KAY: IRAQ WEAPONS MOST LIKELY HIDDEN IN MANVILLE
NEW JERSEY'S WASTEBASKET MAY CONTAIN WMD FROM OIL-RICH AMERICAN COLONY

SECOND $400 MILLION MARS ROVER DELIVERS MORE PICTURES OF SAND, ROCKS
NASA: 'THE ROVER 'OPPORTUNITY' ENABLES US TO PHOTOGRAPH THE RED PLANET IN COLOR... AGAIN... AND FOR TWICE THE MONEY'

VOTERS IN NEW HAMPSHIRE TIRED OF PANCAKES
N.H. VOTERS 'HAVE HAD A LIBERL HELPING' OF CAMPAIGN CAKES, AND WANT 'REAL ISSUES' FLIPPED AROUND, SANS AUNT JEMIMA

N.H. BRAVES BLISTERING SNOW STORM TO VOTE FOR GLOBAL WARMING ALARMISTS
CANDIDATES INSIST BLIZZARD, ENCROACHING ICE FLOWS ARE 'RIGHT WING CONSPIRACY'; GORE PLANS SPEECH ABOUT 'GLOBAL COOLING' IN AUGUST, FROM SAHARA

KARL ROVE ENDORSES DEAN
BUSH'S BRAIN SAYS DEAN OFFERS 'THE BEST CHOICE' IN LANDSLIDEABLE OPPONENTS

DENNIS KUCINICH'S MOM LISTS SELF AS 'UNDECIDED' ON VOTER SURVEY
'I REALLY LIKE SHARPTON, BUT I'M LEANING TOWARD KERRY', SAYS MRS. KUCINICH

HOWARD DEAN SWEEPS 'BEST DRAMA' AT GOLDEN GLOBES
IOWA CONCESSION SCREAM 'A MOVING PERFORMANCE'; NEW HAMPSHIRE VOTERS AGREE, MOVE POLLS

UNILATERALIST BUSH MAD THAT 'ALL OF THESE OTHER COUNTRIES' GOT INVOLVED IN IRAQ
'KILLING THE IRAQI CHILDREN AND STEALING THEIR OIL WAS OUR IMPERIAL PROJECT', SAYS WARMONGERING PRESIDENT

DEAN SCREECH STILL REVERBERATING ON WEB, IN SPACE
BLOGGERS BURN OUT FROM FODDER OVERDRIVE; MARS ROVER CAN'T HEAR ITSELF THINK, NASA LOSES SIGNAL

BUSH LYING LESS
DEMOCRATS ONLY ABLE TO IDENTIFY '15 WORDS' IN STATE OF UNION THAT WERE 'PRETTY MUCH HALF-TRUTHS'

SAM FINALLY FIRED
RACE-BAITING OMAROSA STILL HELPING CO-WORKERS PROVE TO WORLD THAT WOMEN CAN'T SELL, BUT SEX CAN

BUSH FAILS TO MATCH DEAN INTENSITY IN SPEECH
ALSO: DEMOCRATS FORCED TO APPEAR PATRIOTIC BY STANDING, APPLAUDING

DOCTOR: 3 DEAN SPEECH SPECTATORS ILL WITH MAD DEAN DISEASE
NEW HAMPSHIRE BRACES FOR POSSIBLE EPEDEMIC

KERRY SINGS 'LA MARSEILLAISE' TO DROWN OUT HECKLERS
HEIR TO REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMAN'S KETCHUP FORTUNE BELTS OUT FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM TO COMBAT UNACCEPTABLE DISPLAY OF FREE SPEECH

TERESA HEINZ KERRY BELTS OUT RENDITION OF DEAN SHRIEK TO DROWN OUT HECKLERS
UNBALANCED WIFE OF FREELOADING VIETNAM WAR PROTESTER SQUASHES DEAN SUPPORTING HECKLER WITH ACCURATELY-REPRODUCED DEAN SCREECH

UNITED NATIONS ANSWERS SPAM
IMPOTENT ORGANIZATION TAKES ADVANTAGE OF '1/2 OFF VIAGRA' SPAM DEAL

LOCATION PICKED FOR DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION
DEM CONVENTION WILL BE OVER THE MOUTAINS, THROUGH THE WOODS, AND BEYOND THE PALE

TRANSCRIPT OF BUSH STATE OF UNION LEAKED
BUSH TO REPORT THAT UNION IS 'STILL IN SHOCK' AFTER DEAN SPEECH

IOWA CAUCUS SPECIAL REPORT
JOHN F@#% KERRY
WINS IOWA
IOWANS CHOOSE 'SOMEWHAT LESSER' OF MANY EVILS

IOWA CAUCUS SPECIAL REPORT
DEAN SUCCESSFUL IN LOSING
IOWA
DEAN 'DID A GREAT JOB' IN BRINGING YOUNG PEOPLE TO THE CAUCUSES TO VOTE FOR KERRY

IOWA CAUCUS SPECIAL REPORT
UNIONS BLAME GEPHARDT'S LOSS ON TWIN SON

UNION SPOKESPERSON: 'GEPHARDT JUNIOR HAD A GREAT MESSAGE, BUT DELIVERED IT LIKE A GIRL.  HIS SISTER.... NOW THAT'S THE GUY THAT SHOULD'VE DELIVERED IT.'

IOWA CAUCUS SPECIAL REPORT
EXPERTS: SKIING DURING VIETNAM, TELLING MAN TO 'SIT DOWN' LEAD TO DEAN DOWNFALL

OTHER POSSIBLE CAUSES OF POOR SHOWING INCLUDE INNUMERABLE GAFFES, ABSENCE OF FOREIGN POLICY KNOWLEDGE, AND UNCONTROLLABLE ANGER

IOWA CAUCUS SPECIAL REPORT
DEAN 'EXTREMELY ANGRY' THAT MEDIA FOCUSED ON SCREAMING IN VEIN-POPPING SPEECH

MEDIA REPORT NEW WAVE OF SCREAMING DIRECTED AT THEM

IOWA CAUCUS SPECIAL REPORT
GEPHARDT A LOSER IN IOWA

DICK IS 'A MISERABLE FAILURE', WILL FINALLY DROP OUT

IOWA CAUCUS SPECIAL REPORT
KUCINICH EXCEEDS EXPECTATIONS

KERRY: 37%, EDWARDS: 33%, DEAN: 18%, GEPHARDT: 11%, KUCINICH: 1%

IOWA CAUCUS SPECIAL REPORT
GEPHARDT NO LONGER FRIENDS WITH IOWA

DICK WILL KEEP CHIP ON SHOULDER, NOT SPEAK TO IOWA, UNIONS

IOWA CAUCUS SPECIAL REPORT
EDWARDS TO KERRY: 'OH YEAH, WELL YOU'LL BE BACK IN DIAPERS BEFORE I AM'

RESPECTED UNITED STATES SENATORS EXCHANGE BARBS, DIAPER DIALOGUE BEFORE HAWKEYE CAUCUSES

DEAN GIVES THUMBS UP SIGN, PUMPS FIST INTO AIR AT CAMPAIGN STOP; IS BLASTED BY OTHER CANDIDATES
DEMOCRATIC OPPONENTS CALL 'WAVING SIGNS WITH DEAN'S NAME ON THEM' A POLITICAL PLOY, SAY DEAN'S SPEECH FROM STAGE WAS 'POLITICALLY MOTIVATED'

IOWA POLLS FLUCTUATE AS CAUCUS DAY NEARS
VOTERS APPARENTLY TAKING SECOND LOOK AT KERRY, EDWARDS, BUSH

HOWARD DEAN ON CAMPAIGN PROP MRS. DEAN: 'WOMEN SHOULD BE UNSEEN AND NOT HEARD
KERRY, EDWARDS SURGE IN POLLS

MICHAEL JACKSON JUMPS ON TOP MAZDA MIATA CONVERTIBLE TO WAIVE AT FANS
CLOTH TOP LOSES BATTLE WITH CAUCASIAN POP STAR'S HIGH HEELS

ENVIRONMENTALLY-UNFRIENDLY CAMPAIGN BUSES, KERRY HELICOPTER DEAL DEATHBLOW TO IOWA CARIBOU
HERD MOVES TO NEAREST OIL DRILLING OPERATION FOR BETTER LIVING CONDITIONS

WES CLARK ENDORSED BY ANOTHER LOSER
FORTY-NINE STATE LOSER McGOVERN INTERRUPTS CLARK CAMPAIGN EVENT WITH ENDORSEMENT; CLARK CAMP FISHING FOR SIMILAR ENDORSEMENTS FROM MONDALE, DUKAKIS, TORRICELLI

KERRY LEADING IN DES MOINES REGISTER POLL BY HIS HAIR
SLIM MARGIN SEPARATES KERRY AND EDWARDS; CAMPAIGN NOW REVOLVES AROUND BETTER HAIR; EDWARDS MAY USE 'ENHANCED HAIR GEL' ON CAUCUS DAY TO GET VOTE OUT

FLORIDA PLUNGES INTO STATE OF EMERGENCY AS TEMPS PLUMMET BELOW 70
GOVERNMENT OFFICES, SCHOOLS CLOSE IN WAKE OF BRUTAL WINTER COLD

DEAN ALMOST GETS ENDORSEMENT FROM CARTER
PEANUT-FARMING FRIEND OF FIDEL OFFERS THUMBS UP, NOD, AND HUG, BUT NO ENDORSEMENT TO FORMER MAD FRONTRUNNER

DONALD TRUMP DOESN'T LIKE SAM EITHER
'HE ALWAYS MESSES THINGS UP, EVERYONE HATES HIM, BUT HIS STALKER TENDENCIES CAN'T BE IGNORED...  WE'LL KEEP HIM", SAYS TRUMP

SENIOR DEAN CAMPAIGN STAFFERS BARRED FROM CAMPAIGN STOP
VENUE WAS BAR THAT ENFORCES 18-AND-OVER AGE RULE; DEAN FLIES WITHOUT NET OF HANDLERS, ADDS TO GAFFE COLLECTION

GEPHARDT LEAVES FIRST NAME OFF CAMPAIGN SIGNAGE
DECISION MADE FOR OBVIOUS REASONS, BUT LEAVES SOME NON-UNION VOTERS ASKING 'GEPHARDT WHO?'

OFF-BROADWAY VERSION OF DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES MAKES DEBUT
CARROT TOP CUTS HAIR, PARTS ON SIDE TO PLAY DICK GEPHARDT

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER TIRED OF GOVERNING, WILL RETURN TO GYM
'DA BEST WE CAN HOPE FOR IS TO HAVE KALEEFORNIA SLIDE INTO DA OCEAN', SAYS FRUSTRATED FORMER GOVERNOR

RUMSFELD PLANNING INVASION OF NEIGHBORING OFFICE FOR STAPLE REMOVER
PENTAGON MUM ON DETAILS, BUT HINT THAT TRIP TO WATER COOLER MAY BE IN THE WORKS

AFRICAN-AMERICANS LEARY OF DEAN'S ALL-WHITE GUBANATORIAL CABINET
TOP DEAN ADVISORS AND CABINET CONSISTED MOSTLY OF WHITE MALES, A TOKEN WHITE FEMALE, AND SEVERAL VERMONT-AMERICANS

KUCINICH LEAVES DEMOCRATS TO START REGRESSIVE PARTY
CANDIDATE WILL TAKE 'SEVERAL HUNDRED DOLLAR' WARCHEST, 3-MEMBER STAFF WITH HIM; MAY CONSIDER BAKE SALE TO 'GET THE FINANCIAL WHEELS TURNING'

GORE FRIGHTENS DEAN WITH 'I HAVE A MORE PSYCHOTIC SCREAM' SPEECH
SWEAT-STAINED LOSER OF 2000 ELECTION SCARES DEAN, VOTERS AWAY WITH RABID BLOOD CURDLER

DEAN NOW SAYS HE'S BEEN RUNNING FOR 2008 NOMINATION
'WHY WOULD I QUIT SO EARLY IN THE RACE?', ASKS DEAN

KERRY'S FREELOADING OBLIGATIONS MET, SAYS SPOKESMAN
KERRY PROMISES TO RELEASE PAYROLL RECORDS FROM 'RICH & LONELY HEIRESS HUNTING' JOB

TALENT-LESS BOOBS AT GRAMMYS ARE STILL BETTER THAN YOU ARE
STRANGE SELF-APPLAUDING 'PERFORMERS' STEAL THE STAGE; SOME CHANNEL SURFERS MISTAKE FREAK SHOW FOR A DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE

KERRY NOMINATION MAY RE-IGNITE COLD WAR BETWEEN U.S. AND MASSACHUSETTS
PEOPLES REPUBLIC OF MASS. FLEXES MUSCLE, MICHAEL DUKAKIS ROLLS PAST GRANDSTAND IN TANK AT ANNUAL MAY DAY PARADE

POLL: MOST OPPOSE DEATH PENALTY FOR MARTHA STEWART
PUBLIC FEELS CAPITAL PUNISHMENT 'TOO HARSH' FOR ARTS-AND-CRAFTS MOGUL

ALL OF KUCINICH'S DELEGATES WILL TRAVEL IN RENTED MINI COOPER TO CONVENTION
CAMPAIGN TREASURER/CHAUFFER/CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTER MECHANIC STILL SEARCHING FOR CO-SIGNER ON LOAN FOR $65 RENTAL COST

YOKO FINALLY APOLOGIZES
JOHN LENNON'S CRAZY WIFE CLAIMS SHE HAS 'COME TO HER SENSES'; HER PLAN TO 'RE-UNITE THESE BOYS FOR ONE LAST BEATLES TOUR' SUGGESTS SHE HASN'T

MEDIA LIED, CONVINCED US OF AN 'INEVITABLE' DEAN NOMINATION ON FALSE PRETENSES
MEDIA INTELLIGENCE SAID TO BE 'FAULTY', SAID DEAN POSED IMMINENT THREAT; SEARCH FOR DEAN'S ELECTIBILITY CONTINUES, BUT NO EVIDENCE LIKELY TO BE FOUND

DEAN TO MAKE CUSTER-LIKE LAST STAND IN WISCONSIN
DEAN, LIKE CUSTER, IS BEING PUMELED BY ONE KERRY PRIMARY WIN AFTER ANOTHER

KERRY PROPOSES 'NO SPECIAL INTEREST LEFT BEHIND' LEGISLATION
WEALTHY MASSACHUSETTS BOTOX USER BATTLES SPECIAL INTERESTS, RICH BY RAKING IN RICHES FROM SPECIAL INTERESTS

OMAROSA, UNFORTUNATELY, NOT FIRED
RACE-BAITER SURVIVES ON APPRENTICE; VIEWERS TO OMAROSA: 'WHERE'S THE MONEY?'

DEAN'S GRANDMOTHER SENDS MUCH NEEDED ANNUAL $5 BIRTHDAY CHECK
UNAPPRECIATIVE DEAN OPENS CARD UPSIDE DOWN, SHAKES $5 CHECK OUT INTO CAMPAIGN COFFERS, THROWS CARD AWAY

MIDDLE EASTERN ARABS JEALOUS OF 'POSH DIGS' AFFORDED BY 'LUCKY FEW' AT GUANTANAMO
MOVING FROM CAMEL SKIN TENTS IN DESERT TO LUXURY PENS AT GITMO A 'DREAM FOR MANY OF US', ARABS SAY

KERRY DEBATES SELF ON IRAQ
KERRY VOTED FOR WAR HE DID NOT APPROVE OF, INSISTED WMD THAT BUSH LIED ABOUT DO EXIST

WES CLARK SAYS ANOTHER THING THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE
AFTER GAFFE, GENERAL CONTINUES FLIPPING PANCAKES, HOPES HERD OF VOTERS, SEA OF REPORTERS, AND CROWD OF TELEVISION CAMERAS DIDN'T NOTICE

ROMANS 1:27 EDITED TO ALLOW SAME-SEX MARRIAGE
MASSACHUSETTS LEGISLATURE RATIFIES AMENDMENT TO NEW TESTAMENT, WILL CONSIDER INSERTION OF WORD 'EVOLUTION' INTO GENESIS NEXT

KERRY WINS 5 OF 7 PRIMARY STATES
DEAN WINS FOURTH PLACE IN CHARITY BINGO GAME AT COMMUNITY CENTER IN UPSTATE WASHINGTON

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE PERFORMS AT NEVERLAND, RIPS MICHAEL JACKSON'S PROSTETIC FACE OFF
ORIGINAL BLACK VERSION OF POP STAR UNDERNEATH; FCC INVESTIGATING 'INDECENT EXPOSURE'

DEAN ON LOSING ALL SEVEN TUESDAY PRIMARIES: 'WHATEVER.'
DEAN DENIES THAT POLLS, VOTES, OR ELECTIBILITY MATTERS; MOST DEANIE BABIES LOOKING FOR WORK, SELLING BEANIE BABIES ON eBAY

TERROR ON CAPITOL HILL: RICIN MAILED TO SENATOR FRIST; PELOSI OPENS LETTER CONTAINING MILD COUGH
RICE IN ENVELOPE MAILED TO ANOTHER SENATOR FIRST PROMPTS CONCERNS, THEN SUBSIDES

TED KENNEDY'S BREAST FALLS OUT 'BY ACCIDENT' DURING KERRY EVENT
LARGE-BOSSOMED SENATOR BLAMES 'WARDROBE ERROR', SAYS XXXXL SHIRT WAS 'WAY TOO SMALL', FORCED GROTESQUE BREAST OUT

JANET JACKSON'S SILICONE IMPLANT MAKES 'SURPRISE' APPEARANCE AT SUPERBOWL
WOMEN FROM 'THE APPRENTICE' APPLAUD JACKSON'S CONTRIBUTION TO THE BATTLE AGAINST WOMENS' MOVEMENT

MONEYLESS DEAN CANCELS 4 MINUTE SUPERBOWL AD, WILL CAMPAIGN IN STANDS INSTEAD
'WE'RE GOING TO ROW 198, AND ROW 197, AND ROW 196, AND THEN TO THE CONCESSION STAND TO TAKE BACK THIS CAMPAIGN!" SCREAMS DEAN

BOTOX BACKFIRES FOR FORMERLY LEATHERFACED PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE
INJECTIONS INTENDED TO SOFTEN HAUGHTY FRENCH LOOK END UP CREATING PRE-FACELIFT GRETA VAN SUSTEREN

DEANFORAMERICA.com SOLD ON EBAY FOR $29
NEW CAMPAIGN MGR TO CLOSE DOWN 'NEWFANGLED INTERNET ONLINE STORE OR WHATEVER' TO SEND DEAN CAMPAIGNING ON HORSEBACK; DONATIONS WILL NOW BE SOLICITED BY TELEGRAPHED MORSE CODE

DAVID KAY FINDS REASON TO SUSPECT WIFE IS HIDING ILLNESS
FORMER WEAPONS INSPECTOR FINDS SUSPICIOUS CACHE OF WebMD IN WIFE'S BROWSER

DRUDGE HIGHLIGHTS SUSPICIONS ABOUT KERRY'S BOTOXED, LESS-DROOPY FACE
MICHAEL JACKSON SAYS KERRY'S TRANSFORMATION OVER THE YEARS IS 'DEFINITELY NOT NATURAL'

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
DEAN INSISTS 'ELECTIBILITY' DOESN'T MATTER

DEAN: 'THIS CAMPAIGN IS ABOUT THE INTERNET, SHIRTSLEEVES, AND ORANGE WOOL CAPS, NOT ELECTIBILITY'

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
LIEBERMAN THINKS HE 'TIED' FOR THIRD

DEMOCRATIC VOTE COUNTING METHODOLOGY MAY EXPLAIN ODD CLAIM

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
KUCINICH EXCITED ABOUT ANOTHER LOSS

CANDIDATE EXCEEDS EXPECTATIONS AGAIN WITH ANOTHER LAST PLACE FINISH, WILL DRIVE HOUSE TO OKLAHOMA TO LOSE IN THEIR PRIMARY AS WELL

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
DEAN TO ACCEPT VALET JOB
AT DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION
MOST DEANIACS HANG UP ORANGE HATS, GO BACK TO SMOKING POT

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
REPORTS THAT TERESA HEINZ
'DATED DEAN, MARRIED KERRY' UNTRUE
FRIEND: 'TERESA LIKES DROOPY-FACED FRENCH GUYS, NOT SHORT ANGRY ONES'

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
NEW DEAN IS BORING

BORING NEW SHRIEK-LESS, DECAFFINATED SPEECH BETTER SUITED FOR LIEBERMAN OR AILING POPE

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
J. F'ING K. WINS N.H.

FOUL-MOUTHED SENATOR WINS PRIMARY DESPITE MORE CONSERVATIVE ALCOHOLIC SENATOR'S ENDORSEMENT

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
J. F'ING K. WINS N.H.

KERRY 'TAKES OUR COUNTRY BACK' FROM DEAN; DEBATE RAGES OVER WHETHER KERRY IS 'TOO TALL' AND 'TOO UGLY' TO BE PREZ

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
MICHAEL MOORE ENDORSEMENT SUCCESSFUL IN LOSING N.H. FOR CLARK

'DOCUMENTARIAN' ENDORSEMENT LEAVES CLARK  BOWLING FOR FOURTH PLACE; CLARK STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING ON

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
THE F***ING FRENCHMAN WINS AGAIN

ALOOF SENATOR FROM PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF MASSACHUSSETTS WINS NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
DEAN TO KERRY: 'STOP WHINING'

MOST BELIEVE DEAN TO HAVE MEANT 'STOP WINNING'

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
CAMPAIGNING DEAN ACCIDENTALLY KNOCKS ON KERRY'S HOTEL ROOM DOOR

LOOKING FOR VOTES, DEAN'S HOTEL ROOM VISIT RESULTED IN AWKWARD MOMENT WHEN KERRY ANSWERED DOOR

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
'FUNNYMAN' AL FRANKEN DELIVERS HIILARIOIUS BODY-SLAM TO DEAN HECKLER

FRANKEN: 'I WAS PROTECTING THE HECKLER'S,... I MEAN HOWARD DEAN'S RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH'

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
AL FRANKEN TACKLES DEAN FOR HECKLING PROTESTER WITH NATIONAL ANTHEM

FRANKEN: 'DEAN'S SONG ABOUT THAT COUNTRY VIOLATED THE PROTESTER'S RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH... I HAD TO TACKLE HIM AS PART OF MY KERRY ENDORSEMENT'

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
TONIGHT'S POST-PRIMARY DEAN SPEECH MOST ANTICIPATED TV EVENT SINCE ALLEGED MOON LANDING

BLOOD-CURDLING SCREECH WRITTEN OUT OF SPEECH, MOST VIEWERS WILL BE LET DOWN

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY SPECIAL REPORT
DEMOCRATS LIKELY TO BE CONFUSED AGAIN BY SIMPLE BALLOTS

EASILY-CONFUSED DEMS MAY MIS-READ NEW FISHER PRICE BALLOTS AND THROW DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION TO BUSH

KERRY BLASTS 'THE PRIVELEGED', VOWS TO HELP POOR TO BECOME LESS POOR, BUT NOT RICH
$760 MILLION DOLLAR ALOOFIST MORTGAGED ONE OF HIS $10 MILLION HOMES TO CAMPAIGN AGAINST 'THE RICH'

KERRY THROWS 'HIS' IRAQ WAR VOTE OVER WHITE HOUSE FENCE IN PROTEST
REAL VOTE HANGS ON KERRY'S OFFICE WALL, VOTE THROWN IN PROTEST WAS EDWARDS'

WES CLARK NOT SURE IF HE MIGHT HAVE NOT VOTED FOR IRAQ WAR
METROSEXUAL GENERAL CLARIFIES POSITION: 'I WOULD HAVE DEFINITELY CONSIDERED AGREEING TO MAYBE GO TO WAR, BUT I ABSOLUTELY PERHAPS DISAGREE WITH THAT WAR... THIS, OF COURSE, DEPENDS ON WHAT YOUR MEANING OF WHAT I SAY IS.'

U.S. TO INVADE GHANDI'S GAS STATION FOR ITS OIL
HILLARY CLINTON PRESSURED TO ENDORSE INVASION, AS SHE INITIALLY IDENTIFIED TARGET

KUCINICH RALLY IN NEW HAMPSHIRE 'ATTENDED'
KUCINICH CAMPAIGN EVENT ORGANIZERS THROWN 'FOR A LOOP' AS EVENT WAS SURPRISINGLY ATTENDED BY 'A HANDFUL OF CURIOUS ONLOOKERS'; EXTRA CHAIR REPORTEDLY NEEDED

POPE PERFORMS 'SITTING & STARING' ACT IN FRONT OF BREAKDANCERS
JOHN PAUL II WOWED BREAKDANCING TROUPE WITH 'DETERMINED SERENITY' AND 'AMAZING RELAXEDNESS'

REPORT: CAUCASIAN NEW HAMPSHIRIAN HAS AL SHARPTON YARD SIGN
UNCONFIRMED REPORT STILL UNCONFIRMED; SHARPTON CAMP HOPEFUL, NOT SURE WHETHER TO BE HAPPY, OR IMPLEMENT RACE CARD

DAVID KAY: IRAQ WEAPONS MOST LIKELY HIDDEN IN MANVILLE
NEW JERSEY'S WASTEBASKET MAY CONTAIN WMD FROM OIL-RICH AMERICAN COLONY

SECOND $400 MILLION MARS ROVER DELIVERS MORE PICTURES OF SAND, ROCKS
NASA: 'THE ROVER 'OPPORTUNITY' ENABLES US TO PHOTOGRAPH THE RED PLANET IN COLOR... AGAIN... AND FOR TWICE THE MONEY'

VOTERS IN NEW HAMPSHIRE TIRED OF PANCAKES
N.H. VOTERS 'HAVE HAD A LIBERL HELPING' OF CAMPAIGN CAKES, AND WANT 'REAL ISSUES' FLIPPED AROUND, SANS AUNT JEMIMA

N.H. BRAVES BLISTERING SNOW STORM TO VOTE FOR GLOBAL WARMING ALARMISTS
CANDIDATES INSIST BLIZZARD, ENCROACHING ICE FLOWS ARE 'RIGHT WING CONSPIRACY'; GORE PLANS SPEECH ABOUT 'GLOBAL COOLING' IN AUGUST, FROM SAHARA

KARL ROVE ENDORSES DEAN
BUSH'S BRAIN SAYS DEAN OFFERS 'THE BEST CHOICE' IN LANDSLIDEABLE OPPONENTS

DENNIS KUCINICH'S MOM LISTS SELF AS 'UNDECIDED' ON VOTER SURVEY
'I REALLY LIKE SHARPTON, BUT I'M LEANING TOWARD KERRY', SAYS MRS. KUCINICH

HOWARD DEAN SWEEPS 'BEST DRAMA' AT GOLDEN GLOBES
IOWA CONCESSION SCREAM 'A MOVING PERFORMANCE'; NEW HAMPSHIRE VOTERS AGREE, MOVE POLLS

UNILATERALIST BUSH MAD THAT 'ALL OF THESE OTHER COUNTRIES' GOT INVOLVED IN IRAQ
'KILLING THE IRAQI CHILDREN AND STEALING THEIR OIL WAS OUR IMPERIAL PROJECT', SAYS WARMONGERING PRESIDENT

DEAN SCREECH STILL REVERBERATING ON WEB, IN SPACE
BLOGGERS BURN OUT FROM FODDER OVERDRIVE; MARS ROVER CAN'T HEAR ITSELF THINK, NASA LOSES SIGNAL

BUSH LYING LESS
DEMOCRATS ONLY ABLE TO IDENTIFY '15 WORDS' IN STATE OF UNION THAT WERE 'PRETTY MUCH HALF-TRUTHS'

SAM FINALLY FIRED
RACE-BAITING OMAROSA STILL HELPING CO-WORKERS PROVE TO WORLD THAT WOMEN CAN'T SELL, BUT SEX CAN

BUSH FAILS TO MATCH DEAN INTENSITY IN SPEECH
ALSO: DEMOCRATS FORCED TO APPEAR PATRIOTIC BY STANDING, APPLAUDING

DOCTOR: 3 DEAN SPEECH SPECTATORS ILL WITH MAD DEAN DISEASE
NEW HAMPSHIRE BRACES FOR POSSIBLE EPEDEMIC

KERRY SINGS 'LA MARSEILLAISE' TO DROWN OUT HECKLERS
HEIR TO REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMAN'S KETCHUP FORTUNE BELTS OUT FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM TO COMBAT UNACCEPTABLE DISPLAY OF FREE SPEECH

TERESA HEINZ KERRY BELTS OUT RENDITION OF DEAN SHRIEK TO DROWN OUT HECKLERS
UNBALANCED WIFE OF FREELOADING VIETNAM WAR PROTESTER SQUASHES DEAN SUPPORTING HECKLER WITH ACCURATELY-REPRODUCED DEAN SCREECH

UNITED NATIONS ANSWERS SPAM
IMPOTENT ORGANIZATION TAKES ADVANTAGE OF '1/2 OFF VIAGRA' SPAM DEAL

LOCATION PICKED FOR DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION
DEM CONVENTION WILL BE OVER THE MOUTAINS, THROUGH THE WOODS, AND BEYOND THE PALE

TRANSCRIPT OF BUSH STATE OF UNION LEAKED
BUSH TO REPORT THAT UNION IS 'STILL IN SHOCK' AFTER DEAN SPEECH

IOWA CAUCUS SPECIAL REPORT
JOHN F@#% KERRY
WINS IOWA
IOWANS CHOOSE 'SOMEWHAT LESSER' OF MANY EVILS

IOWA CAUCUS SPECIAL REPORT
DEAN SUCCESSFUL IN LOSING
IOWA
DEAN 'DID A GREAT JOB' IN BRINGING YOUNG PEOPLE TO THE CAUCUSES TO VOTE FOR KERRY

IOWA CAUCUS SPECIAL REPORT
UNIONS BLAME GEPHARDT'S LOSS ON TWIN SON

UNION SPOKESPERSON: 'GEPHARDT JUNIOR HAD A GREAT MESSAGE, BUT DELIVERED IT LIKE A GIRL.  HIS SISTER.... NOW THAT'S THE GUY THAT SHOULD'VE DELIVERED IT.'

IOWA CAUCUS SPECIAL REPORT
EXPERTS: SKIING DURING VIETNAM, TELLING MAN TO 'SIT DOWN' LEAD TO DEAN DOWNFALL

OTHER POSSIBLE CAUSES OF POOR SHOWING INCLUDE INNUMERABLE GAFFES, ABSENCE OF FOREIGN POLICY KNOWLEDGE, AND UNCONTROLLABLE ANGER

IOWA CAUCUS SPECIAL REPORT
DEAN 'EXTREMELY ANGRY' THAT MEDIA FOCUSED ON SCREAMING IN VEIN-POPPING SPEECH

MEDIA REPORT NEW WAVE OF SCREAMING DIRECTED AT THEM

IOWA CAUCUS SPECIAL REPORT
GEPHARDT A LOSER IN IOWA

DICK IS 'A MISERABLE FAILURE', WILL FINALLY DROP OUT

IOWA CAUCUS SPECIAL REPORT
KUCINICH EXCEEDS EXPECTATIONS

KERRY: 37%, EDWARDS: 33%, DEAN: 18%, GEPHARDT: 11%, KUCINICH: 1%

IOWA CAUCUS SPECIAL REPORT
GEPHARDT NO LONGER FRIENDS WITH IOWA

DICK WILL KEEP CHIP ON SHOULDER, NOT SPEAK TO IOWA, UNIONS

IOWA CAUCUS SPECIAL REPORT
EDWARDS TO KERRY: 'OH YEAH, WELL YOU'LL BE BACK IN DIAPERS BEFORE I AM'

RESPECTED UNITED STATES SENATORS EXCHANGE BARBS, DIAPER DIALOGUE BEFORE HAWKEYE CAUCUSES

DEAN GIVES THUMBS UP SIGN, PUMPS FIST INTO AIR AT CAMPAIGN STOP; IS BLASTED BY OTHER CANDIDATES
DEMOCRATIC OPPONENTS CALL 'WAVING SIGNS WITH DEAN'S NAME ON THEM' A POLITICAL PLOY, SAY DEAN'S SPEECH FROM STAGE WAS 'POLITICALLY MOTIVATED'

IOWA POLLS FLUCTUATE AS CAUCUS DAY NEARS
VOTERS APPARENTLY TAKING SECOND LOOK AT KERRY, EDWARDS, BUSH

HOWARD DEAN ON CAMPAIGN PROP MRS. DEAN: 'WOMEN SHOULD BE UNSEEN AND NOT HEARD
KERRY, EDWARDS SURGE IN POLLS

MICHAEL JACKSON JUMPS ON TOP MAZDA MIATA CONVERTIBLE TO WAIVE AT FANS
CLOTH TOP LOSES BATTLE WITH CAUCASIAN POP STAR'S HIGH HEELS

ENVIRONMENTALLY-UNFRIENDLY CAMPAIGN BUSES, KERRY HELICOPTER DEAL DEATHBLOW TO IOWA CARIBOU
HERD MOVES TO NEAREST OIL DRILLING OPERATION FOR BETTER LIVING CONDITIONS

WES CLARK ENDORSED BY ANOTHER LOSER
FORTY-NINE STATE LOSER McGOVERN INTERRUPTS CLARK CAMPAIGN EVENT WITH ENDORSEMENT; CLARK CAMP FISHING FOR SIMILAR ENDORSEMENTS FROM MONDALE, DUKAKIS, TORRICELLI

KERRY LEADING IN DES MOINES REGISTER POLL BY HIS HAIR
SLIM MARGIN SEPARATES KERRY AND EDWARDS; CAMPAIGN NOW REVOLVES AROUND BETTER HAIR; EDWARDS MAY USE 'ENHANCED HAIR GEL' ON CAUCUS DAY TO GET VOTE OUT

FLORIDA PLUNGES INTO STATE OF EMERGENCY AS TEMPS PLUMMET BELOW 70
GOVERNMENT OFFICES, SCHOOLS CLOSE IN WAKE OF BRUTAL WINTER COLD

DEAN ALMOST GETS ENDORSEMENT FROM CARTER
PEANUT-FARMING FRIEND OF FIDEL OFFERS THUMBS UP, NOD, AND HUG, BUT NO ENDORSEMENT TO FORMER MAD FRONTRUNNER

DONALD TRUMP DOESN'T LIKE SAM EITHER
'HE ALWAYS MESSES THINGS UP, EVERYONE HATES HIM, BUT HIS STALKER TENDENCIES CAN'T BE IGNORED...  WE'LL KEEP HIM", SAYS TRUMP

SENIOR DEAN CAMPAIGN STAFFERS BARRED FROM CAMPAIGN STOP
VENUE WAS BAR THAT ENFORCES 18-AND-OVER AGE RULE; DEAN FLIES WITHOUT NET OF HANDLERS, ADDS TO GAFFE COLLECTION

GEPHARDT LEAVES FIRST NAME OFF CAMPAIGN SIGNAGE
DECISION MADE FOR OBVIOUS REASONS, BUT LEAVES SOME NON-UNION VOTERS ASKING 'GEPHARDT WHO?'

OFF-BROADWAY VERSION OF DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES MAKES DEBUT
CARROT TOP CUTS HAIR, PARTS ON SIDE TO PLAY DICK GEPHARDT

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER TIRED OF GOVERNING, WILL RETURN TO GYM
'DA BEST WE CAN HOPE FOR IS TO HAVE KALEEFORNIA SLIDE INTO DA OCEAN', SAYS FRUSTRATED FORMER GOVERNOR

RUMSFELD PLANNING INVASION OF NEIGHBORING OFFICE FOR STAPLE REMOVER
PENTAGON MUM ON DETAILS, BUT HINT THAT TRIP TO WATER COOLER MAY BE IN THE WORKS

AFRICAN-AMERICANS LEARY OF DEAN'S ALL-WHITE GUBANATORIAL CABINET
TOP DEAN ADVISORS AND CABINET CONSISTED MOSTLY OF WHITE MALES, A TOKEN WHITE FEMALE, AND SEVERAL VERMONT-AMERICANS

KUCINICH LEAVES DEMOCRATS TO START REGRESSIVE PARTY
CANDIDATE WILL TAKE 'SEVERAL HUNDRED DOLLAR' WARCHEST, 3-MEMBER STAFF WITH HIM; MAY CONSIDER BAKE SALE TO 'GET THE FINANCIAL WHEELS TURNING'

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