THE DAILY 'NEWS' - PAGE ONE
SOME OF THE 'NEWS' WE SEE FIT TO PRINT... OCCASIONALLY
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LIBERAL 'MEN' OUTRAGED OVER EDWARDS PRIMPING VIDEO
MEN CLAIM 'ALL OXYMORONS ASIDE, WE WOULD NEVER VOTE FOR A CHICK WHO SPENDS THAT MUCH TIME FLUFFING HER HAIR'
more headlines | submit headline

WEEKLY KERRY CAMPAIGN NEWSLETTER ENDORSES BUSH
SAYS 'JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY' LEAD PAPER TO SUPPORT CANDIDATE 'WHO STANDS FOR THINGS'
more headlines | submit headline

KERRY DEFENDS SENATE ATTENDANCE RECORD
BLAMES SLOW JETS, SLOW HAIRSTYLISTS, AND SLOW WAITERS FOR MISSED SESSIONS
submitted by Tony Rubolotta
more
| submit headline

BUSHANDSAUDIS.COM PROMPTS NEW GOP PROJECTS
ANTI-BUSH WEBSITE COUNTERED BY: KERRYANDSADDAM.COM AND DEMOCRATSANDBS.COM
more headlines | submit headline

KERRY OUTS CHENEY DAUGHTER AS LESBIAN
BUSH RETURNS FAVOR, OUTS KERRY AS WEAK-ON-DEFENSE SOCIALIST FLIP-FLOPPER
more headlines | submit headline

EDWARDS LEAKS PART OF HEALTH CARE-TORT REFORM PLAN
REQUIRES TRIAL LAWYERS TO PRACTICE CPR, HEIMLICH MANEUVER ON JURORS
submitted by Tony Rubolotta
more
| submit headline

ABCNEWS DISAVOWS HALPERIN MEMO
SEEKS EXPERT OPINION FROM CBS TO PROVE MEMO A FORGERY
submitted by Tony Rubolotta
more
| submit headline

HILLARY BEAMS OPTIMISM AFTER BUSH-KERRY DEBATE 2
SEN. CLINTON RESURRECTS CAMPAIGN PLAN FOR 2008 PRESIDENTIAL BID
submitted by Tony Rubolotta
more headlines
| submit headline

BUSH: 'KERRY IS THE MOST LIBERAL SENATOR'
KERRY: 'DON'T THROW LABELS AROUND... I'M A CONSERVATIVE'
more headlines | submit headline

TERESA HEINZ RUINS POST DEBATE PHOTO OP AGAIN
HEIRESS OF FORMER GOP SENATOR JOHN HEINZ'S FORTUNE INTERFERES WITH JOHN KERRY PHOTO OP BY 'STANDING NEAR HIM'
more headlines | submit headline

KERRY NOW FIT FOR COMMAND
DEMOCRATIC SENATOR'S SLICK DEBATE PERFORMANCES NEGATE SHAM SENATE RECORD, BOGUS VIETNAM MEDALS, LACK OF CHARACTER
more headlines | submit headline

MT. SAINT HELENS STILL UNERUPTED
HOPEFUL VOLCANO JUNKIES CONTINUE VIGIL; OFFICIALS SAY THREAT OF UNEMPLOYMENT LOOMS
more headlines | submit headline

VP DEBATE SPECIAL
EDWARDS HOBBLES OUT FROM BEHIND WOODSHED

AMERICA REMINDED OF KERRY'S PUSSY-CAT APPROACH TO DEFENSE; EDWARDS' DAD LEARNED MATH ON TV
more headlines | submit headline

EDWARDS MAY UNVEIL IRAQ SOLUTION
EDWARDS EXPECTED TO PROPOSE SOLUTION TO IRAQ KERFUFFLE: 'VOTE FOR BUSH YOU IDIOTS'
more headlines | submit headline

THOUSANDS FLOCK TO MT. ST. HELENS
KID ROCK OFFERS TO PERFORM FOR ERUPTION FANS IF VOLCANO DOESN'T
more headlines | submit headline

CROWD GATHERS FOR ANTICIPATED ERUPTION
OFFICIALS WARN ONLOOKERS TO STAY 'A SAFE DISTANCE' FROM STAGE AT MOVEON.ORG EVENT; HEADLINER AL GORE RELEASED GASES, STEAM EARLIER, SWEAT-DRENCHED EXPLOSION FEARED
more headlines | submit headline

REAL ESTATE VALUES INSIDE MT. SAINT HELENS VOLVANO CONE PLUMMET
HOME SALES NEAR ENTRANCE TO MAGMA CHAMBER SUFFER MOST
more headlines | submit headline

BUSH FOLLOWS KERRY ADVICE, WILL GET U.N. INVOLVED IN IRAQ
NEW YORK CITY-BASED DEBATE CLUB WILL HEAD UP SEARCH FOR OIL-FOR-FOOD PROGRAM ANOMALIES
more headlines | submit headline

KERRY ERUPTS AS MT. SAINT HELENS BLOWS HIM OFF FRONT PAGE OF PAPERS
FEMA NERVOUS ABOUT PASSING GLOBAL TEST REQUIRED TO RESPOND TO POSSIBLE VOLCANOE CATASTROPHE
more headlines | submit headline

KERRY: WE NEED SUMMITS
CITES EFFECTIVENESS OF SUMMIT WITH VIETCONG AFTER 'SERVING' IN 'THAT WAR'
more headlines | submit headline

KERRY CLARIFIES IRAQ STANCE FOR DIANE SAWYER
KERRY: 'WE HAD TO GO TO IRAQ, IT WAS THE WRONG THING TO DO... THE PRESIDENT NEEDS TO BE HONEST WITH THE AMERICAN PEOPLE - I AM A LIAR'
more headlines | submit headline

FLORIDA ELECTION UNFAIR TO DEMS?
DEMOCRATS CRY FOUL, CLAIM DISENFRANCHISEMENT IN REQUIREMENT THAT BALLOTS BE READ, FILLED OUT
more headlines | submit headline

KERRY DEBATE MAKEOVER TURNS UGLY
HOPES OF A 'TAN AND HANDSOME' APPEARANCE DASHED BY ORANGE-PIGMENTED UGLINESS; KERRY'S MAKEUP ARTIST DENIES USE OF TAN-IN-A-TUBE
more headlines | submit headline

NEW $50 BILL COUNTERFEITED
NEW COUNTERFEIT-PROOF $50 BILL TO BE RELEASED TODAY
more headlines | submit headline

FORMER CLINTON HENCHMEN'S ALLEGIANCE TO KERRY QUESTIONED
CLINTON ADVISERS 'HELP' KERRY CAMPAIGN, BUT THEIR ENDORSEMENT OF PRESIDENT BUSH HAS 'RAISED SOME CONCERN'
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EDWARDS WANTS KERRY OFF TICKET
VEEP PICK WOULD PREFER MORE CHARISMA FOR TOP OF TICKET; CONSIDERATIONS INCLUDE GORE, PAUL WELLSTONE URN, OR DECORATIVE LOG FROM EDWARDS' HOME
more headlines | submit headline

IRAQI PRIME MINISTER SAYS 'THANK YOU, AMERICA'
ANTACID SHORTAGE REPORTED ON KERRY CAMPAIGN PLANE
more headlines | submit headline

QUESTIONS SWIRL AROUND NEW DAN RATHER STATEMENT
EXPERTS DEBATE CREDIBILITY OF STATEMENT AND INTERNAL INVESTIGATION LAUNCHED AS RATHER OPENS C,BS NEWS BROADCAST WITH CONTROVERSIAL 'GOOD EVENING' CLAIM
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KERRY LULLS ORLANDO TO SLEEP WITH 'SPEECH'
ORLANDO DEMOCRATS TOO TIRED TO APPLAUD LONG-AWAITED END OF SPEECH; SENATOR REVEALS HE SERVED IN VIETNAM, SENATE
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KERRY CLARIFIES STANCE ON IRAQ WAR COSTS
KERRY: 'WE HAVE TO SPEND WHATEVER IT COSTS TOO MUCH'
submitted by R. Eagles
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| submit headline

KERRY: IRRESPONSIBLE BUSH NOT FIT FOR COMMAND
KERRY: 'WHILE BUSH WAS LATE TO A PHYSICAL IN 1972, I WAS BUSY LOPPING OFF EARS, DISMEMBERING VILLAGERS, AND RAVAGING THE VIETNAMESE COUNTRYSIDE - HE IS NOT FIT FOR COMMAND'
more headlines | submit headline

C,BS WOULD RATHER FOCUS ON 'CONTENT' OF FAKE MEMO
RATHER: 'MEMOS WERE FALSIFIED, BUT THE LIES INSIDE ARE TRUE'
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KERRY BLASTS HIS CAMPAIGN FOR INEPTITUDE
KERRY: 'MY CAMPAIGN IS BEING RAPED, PILLAGED, AND MAIMED IN FASHION REMINISCENT OF GENGHIS KHAN'
more headlines | submit headline

KERRY TO RELEASE MILITARY RECORDS TO BERGER, RATHER
CBS TO AUTHENTICATE RECORD SHREDS AFTER BERGER PRE-PROCESSING
submitted by Tony R
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| submit headline

CBS AIRS RATHER EXPOSE ON CONSTITUTION
60 MINUTES SAYS NRA FORGED 2ND AMENDMENT
submitted by Tony R
more
| submit headline

KERRY NIXES CARRIER LANDING AS 'TOO AGGRESSIVE'
OPTS FOR HOT AIR BALLOON TOUCHDOWN ON BERTHED LOVE BOAT
submitted by Tony R
more
| submit headline

AUTOPSY OF CBS MEMOS REVEALS SUSPICIOUS TRACES OF MS WORD
MICHAEL MOORE, KITTY KELLEY BLAST CBS FOR 'IRRESPONSIBLE REPORTING THAT LACKS CREDIBILITY'
more headlines | submit headline

FIERCE DEMOCRATIC WINDBAGS THREATEN FLORIDA
NORMALLY SUNNY SUNSHINE STATE BRACES FOR IMPENDING ELECTION STORM
more headlines | submit headline

1,000th NASA SPACECRAFT CRASHES
$260 MILLION GENESIS CAPSULE CRASHES TO EARTH AFTER COLLECTING SPACE WIND FOR THREE YEARS; NASA CLAIMS NEW $850 MILLION MODEL IS 'MORE APT TO PROBABLY NOT EXPLODE'
more headlines | submit headline

HURRICANE FRANCES AFTERMATH EDITION
FRANCES PROVIDES TASTE OF FRANCE

LACK OF POWER, UNCLEAN WATER, DILAPIDATED HOUSES GIVE FLORIDIANS TASTE OF LIVING IN FRANCE
more headlines | submit headline

IRAN: OUR NUKES ARE FOR ENERGY
AXIS OF EVIL MEMBER CLAIMS NUCLEAR ARSENAL IS FOR 'ENERGY PURPOSES ONLY', NOT ANNIHILATION OF WESTERN WORLD
more headlines | submit headline

HURRICANE FRANCES AFTERMATH EDITION
KERRY INSISTS 'SENSITIVE APROACH'
TO HURRICANE CLEANUP EFFORT
SEN. CLAIMS FALLEN TREES ARE 'A PRODUCT OF THEIR ENVIRONMENT', AND SHOULD BE HANDLED 'KINDLY': COAXED TO THE CURB, NOT DRAGGED
more headlines | submit headline

ALERT: DAILY 'NEWS' ON HOLD UNTIL HURRICANE FRANCES PASSES
KERRY BLAMES BUSH FOR FRANCES

KERRY: TIMING OF HURRICANE 'INTERESTING'; LANDFALL IN BATTLEGROUND STATE 'SUSPICIOUS'
more headlines | submit headline

ZELL MILLER DELIVERS SPEECH TO HIS BASE
CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN SENATOR ZELL MILLER (D-GA) RALLIES HIS REPUBLICAN BASE WITH FIERY CONVENTION SPEECH
more headlines | submit headline

KERRY BLASTS BUSH FOR PLANNED NYC TRIP
CHARGES TIMING, APPEARANCE AT REPUBLICAN CONVENTION IS PURELY POLITICAL
submitted by Tony Rubolotta
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| submit headline

NEW OVERTIME RULES SIMPLIFIED
ONLY 2/3 OF TOP 7% OF ELIGIBLE NON-EXEMPT EMPLOYEES ARE ENTITLED TO RECEIVE PARTIAL (71%) OVERTIME COMPENSATION AFTER SATISFYING 22-DAY MONTH WAGE-EXEMPT DUTIES RULE
more headlines | submit headline

KERRY FILES REQUEST FOR MORE PURPLE HEARTS
CITES 'INJURIES' SUSTAINED DURING AIRING OF LATEST SWIFT BOAT AD
more headlines | submit headline

BUSH PLANNING SECRET TRIP TO OLYMPICS
DETAILS OF CLANDESTINE TRIP KNOWN ONLY TO SECRET SERVICE, TOP WHITE HOUSE OFFICIALS, AND DRUDGE REPORT READERS
more headlines | submit headline

ALERT: DAILY 'NEWS' ON HOLD UNTIL CHARLEY PASSES
BREAKING: CATEGORY 4 HURRICANE ECLIPSES CONCERNS ABOUT FLORIDA VOTING PROBLEMS

more headlines | submit headline

MASS PREPARES FOR FIRST GAY DIVORCE
MALE LITIGANTS MANEUVER TO CLAIM FAVORED STATUS AS 'WIFE'
submitted by Tony Rubolotta
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| submit headline

EDWARDS TO REPRESENT HUSSEIN IN CIVIL ACTION
CLAIMS 'RAT HOLE' BUILDERS NEGLIGENT, CITES SADDAM'S CAPTURE AS PROOF
submitted by Tony Rubolotta
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| submit headline

KERRY NUANCES ON IRAQ WAR FLIP-FLOP
KERRY CLARIFIES POSITION ON IRAQ WAR VOTE BY ASKING BUSH WHY HE 'RUSHED TO WAR' WITHOUT SPECIFIC KNOWLEDGE OF OUTCOME
more headlines | submit headline

KERRY-EDWARDS CLAIM DIRTY TRICKS BY RNC
CITE BOTOX-GRECIAN FORMULA SWITCH RUINED PHOTO OP
submitted by Tony Rubolotta
more
| submit headline

KERRY PROMOTES FLIP-FLOPS AS POLICY CENTERPIECE
KERRY: 'IT KEEPS AL QAEDA OFF BALANCE NOT KNOWING WHAT I WILL DO'
submitted by Tony Rubolotta
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| submit headline

KERRY REVEALS PLAN FOR IRAQ
CLAIMS LACK OF DETAIL NECESSARY TO AVOID FLIP FLOPS
submitted by Tony R
more
| submit headline

UNDER ATTACK, KERRY CONTINUES READING BOOK TO CHILDREN
NOT WANTING TO 'SCARE THE CHILDREN', A SHELL-SHOCKED SEN. KERRY CONTINUES TO READ 'UNFIT FOR COMMAND' FOR SEVEN MINUTES AFTER HE WAS HANDED A CARD INDICATING THAT IT WAS ABOUT HIM
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PENTAGON CONFIRMS KERRY 'NOT' ON DUTY ROSTER
ORDERS FOR PURPLE HEARTS REDUCED TO NORMAL LEVELS
submitted by Tony R
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| submit headline

FLORIDA STARTS VOTE RECOUNTS TODAY
MATHEMATICIAN SAYS KERRY NEEDS 74 RECOUNTS TO WIN BY NOV. 3
submitted by Tony R
more
| submit headline

SANDY BERGER HOSPITALIZED FOR MINOR INJURIES
UROLOGIST CONFIRMS PAPER CUTS ARE NOT SERIOUS OR LIFE THREATENING
submitted by Tony R
more
| submit headline

CONVENTION SPECIAL REPORT
BOSTON SEEKS DISASTER RELIEF IN WAKE OF DEM CONVENTION

EXPERTS PLACE HOT AIR DAMAGE IN THE MILLIONS
submitted by Tony R
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| submit headline

CONVENTION SPECIAL REPORT
KERRY 'REPORTS FOR DUTY' AND LANDS BOUNCE IN POLLS FOR BUSH

KERRY CAMP BLAMES 'MISPLACED' BOUNCE ON PRESENCE OF PRESUMPTIVE FORMER PRESIDENT CLINTON AND PROXIMITY OF TERESA HEINZ TO OPEN MIC
more headlines | submit headline

CONVENTION SPECIAL REPORT
FLEET CENTER CLOSED INDEFINITELY FOR SANITIZING

CONFETTI BEING REMOVED FROM FLOOR, MALFUNCTIONING BALLOONS FROM CEILING; ACETONE BEING USED TO LIFT RESIDUE OF SHARPTON SPEECH FROM FLOOR
more headlines | submit headline

CONVENTION SPECIAL REPORT
KERRY SPEECH OVERSHADOWED BY BALLOON MAN

CNN AUDIO FEED OF BALLOON LOGISTICS MANAGER WAKES UP TV AUDIENCES: 'MORE BALLOONS GUYS, WHY ISN'T ANYTHING HAPPENING UP THERE... WHERE THE HELL ARE THE BALLOONS?!'; SEN. KERRY ALSO SPOKE TONIGHT
more headlines | submit headline

CONVENTION SPECIAL REPORT
KERRY IN NOMINATION SPEECH: HELP FROM BUSH IS 'ON THE WAY'

KERRY CLAIMS PRESIDENT BUSH HAS MADE US 'STRONGER AT HOME' AND INSISTS BEING 'RESPECTED IN FRANCE' IS FOR THE WEAK
more headlines | submit headline

CONVENTION SPECIAL REPORT
KERRY NOMINATION SPEECH FROM SAIGON NIXED DUE TO COMMUNIST-QUALITY COMMUNICATIONS

SEN. KERRY WILL DELIVER ACCEPTANCE SPEECH INSTEAD FROM BOSTON'S FLEET CENTER
more headlines | submit headline

CONVENTION SPECIAL REPORT
TED KENNEDY FOUND IN TORTURE CHAMBER WITH PANTIES ON HEAD

INVITE TO EXCLUSIVE POST-SPEECH PARTY WAS LIMITED TO 'MOVERS & SHAKERS' OF DEMOCRATIC PARTY, AND AL GORE
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CONVENTION SPECIAL REPORT
BUSH NOT BASHED

FAITHFUL DEMS OBEY 'NO BUSH BASHING' COMMAND AT CONVENTION, INSTEAD DIRECTING RAGE AT 'THIS ADMINISTRATION' AND 'THIS PRESIDENT'
more headlines | submit headline

CONVENTION SPECIAL REPORT
WHACKOS AND CRAZIES CONVERGE ON BOSTON TO PROTEST BUSH

PROTESTERS ALSO SEEN OFF STAGE AND OUTSIDE FLEET CENTER
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CONVENTION SPECIAL REPORT
DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION CANCELED

KERRY FATWA BANS NEGATIVITY, BUSH-BASHING; DEMS LEFT WITH NOTHNG TO SAY AND NOT SURE OF THEIR IDENTITY
more headlines | submit headline

KUCINICH ENDS RACE, THROWS SUPPORTER TO KERRY
FUNNY-LOOKING LITTLE 'DEPT. OF PEACE' VISIONARY WILL NOW CAMPAIGN FOR HAUGHTY, FRENCH-LOOKING HUSBAND OF BILLIONAIR HEIRESS TO KETCHUP FORTUNE
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BUSH PLANNING ON STEALING ELECTION AGAIN
LEAK: PREZ PLANS 2ND COUP D' ETAT, WILL USE BERGER DEFENSE AND INSIST IT WAS 'AN HONEST, SLOPPY MISTAKE'
more headlines | submit headline

SANDY ACQUITTED OF BERGERING DOCUMENTS
SANDY BERGER EXPLAINS 'MISTAKE' TO SATISFIED INVESTIGATORS: 'I INNOCENTLY, AND ACCIDENTALLY, MISTOOK MY PANTS AND SOCKS FOR THE SHREDDER, ...ERR, I MEAN FILE, WHEN I PLACED THE CONFIDENTIAL DOCUMENTS THERE ON FIVE DIFFERENT OCCASIONS.'
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NOT ALL DEMS SQUEALING OVER ARNOLD'S 'GIRLIE MAN' MONIKER
FEMALE LIBERALS, AND METROSEXUAL PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES CALL TITLE 'FAIR, HONEST AND SOMEWHAT UNDERSTATED'
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LOW-CARB CRAZINESS FINALLY RECOGNIZED AS CRAZY
AMERICANS RETURN TO 'NORMAL' DIETING - LARGE PORTIONS OF HIGH-CARB JUNK FOOD WITH DIET COKE
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KERRY TO NAACP: 'BUSH IS A HONKY'
SEN. PANDERER (D-MASS.) RIDDLED WHITE PRESIDENT WITH RACIAL SLURS, COMMENTS ABOUT ' HIS MUTHA'
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BABY EINSTEIN COMPANY TO DEVELOP SIMPLER HOMELAND SECURITY THREAT NOTIFICATION SYSTEM
CONFUSING COLORS TO BE CHANGED TO GRAPHIC ICONS REPRESENTING THREAT LEVEL - RANGING FROM DOVE WITH DANDELION IN MOUTH TO MUSHROOM CLOUD
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RUSH LIMBAUGH TO SPEAK DURING DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION
EXPECTED TO BE MOST LISTENED-TO SPEAKER, COMMENTS WILL BE BROADCAST TO 20 MILLION PEOPLE, FROM RADIO STUDIO
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CIA: INCREASED CHATTER FROM KERRY CAMP MAY DELAY ELECTION
KERRY'S KNEE JERKS: TEAM OF ATTORNEYS RETAINED, RECOUNT DEMANDED, AND 'WIDESPREAD DISENFRANCHISEMENT' CLAIMED
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ANTICIPATION MOUNTS AS KUCINICH TO ANNOUNCE RUNNING MATE TODAY
VEEP'S NAME WILL BE ADDED TO CAMPAIGN CAR DURING CEREMONY IN FRANK'S CHICKEN HOUSE PARKING LOT
more headlines | submit headline

METROSEXUALS KERRY AND EDWARDS MAY OUTDO AL/TIPPER LIP LOCK AT CONVENTION
KERRY CAMPAIGN MANAGER, NPR, CONTINUES TO BROADCAST DENIAL THAT EDWARDS IS 'IN DELICATE CONDITION', BEING 'HEAVY WITH CHILD'
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BIASED MEDIA DOWNPLAYS KERRY-EDWARDS LOVEFEST
MEDIA SHOWCASING HUGS, KISSES, & TEASING, BUT STOPS AT RUMORED KERRY IMPREGNATION OF SEN. EDWARDS
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POLL: EDWARDS' CHANCES OF WINNING VICE PRESIDENCY DIMINISHED BY PRESENCE OF KERRY ON TICKET
EDWARDS TO REPLACE TOP OF HIS TICKET WITH MORE CONSERVATIVE SEN. TED KENNEDY
more headlines | submit headline

KERRY TAPS ROOKIE SENATOR & AMBULANCE-CHASING HAIR MODEL FOR VEEP SPOT
JOHN EDWARDS, SON OF A MILL WORKER KNOWN MOSTLY FOR BEING FATHERED BY MILL EMPLOYEE
more headlines | submit headline

SPECULATION INTENSIFIES THAT KERRY WILL PICK RUNNING MATE
MEDIA ORGASMS AS KERRY DECIDES TO NOT RUN ALONE, BUT TO PICK RUNNING MATE
more headlines | submit headline

BREAKING: CNN CALLS FLORIDA FOR KERRY
KERRY WINS SUNSHINE STATE'S 25 ELECTORAL VOTES BY 'SOME KIND OF MARGIN'; DETAILS TO COME IN NOVEMBER
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FBI WARNS OF POSSIBLE FIREWORKS OVER THE WEEKEND
CELEBRATORY ATTACKS BY FLAG-WAVING PATRIOTS FEARED; THREAT LEVEL RAISED TO RED, WHITE & BLUE
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SADDAM TRIMS BEARD, ADOPTS SCRAGGLY MICHAEL MOORE LOOK, RHETORIC
JUDGE MISTAKES SADDAM FOR 'FAHRENHEIT 9-11' CREATOR, GREETS HIM WITH 'MAN, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU LOST TWO TO THREE HUNDRED POUNDS!'
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HILLARY CLINTON TAPS KERRY FOR TOP OF HER PRESIDENTIAL TICKET
'I PICKED KERRY AS MY RUNNING MATE BECAUSE HIS VIETNAM WARRIOR STATUS WILL COMPENSATE FOR MY FAILURE ON THE HEALTHCARE FRONT'
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MICHAEL MOORE BLAMES AMERICA FOR FAHRENHEIT 9-11
FAT FILMUCKRAKER CITES 'LAX RESTRAINTS ON CIVIL LIBERTIES', AND 'OUT-OF-CONTROL TOLERANCE' FOR HIS ABILITY TO PEDDLE RIDICULOUS LIE AS TRUTHFUL DOCUMENTARY
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COALITION AVOIDS ATTACK BY EARLY TRANSFER OF SOVEREIGNTY TO IRAQ
POWER TRANSFER TIMED DEFENSIVELY FOR DAN RATHER'S SUMMER VACATION
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KERRY PANDERS TO PHARMACEUTICALS
ANTI-DEPRESSANT DRUG MAKERS EXCITED ABOUT PROFIT POSSIBILITIES IN SEN. KERRY'S PROMISE TO RETURN 'TO THE SLOTHFUL ECONOMY OF THE SLUGGISH 70'S'
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BILL CLINTON IN SPAT WITH X-GIRLFRIEND
MONICA LEWINSKY KEYS CLINTON S.U.V. OVER LIES IN 'MY LIFE'; MONICA CLAIMS SHE DID IT 'BECAUSE I COULD'; CLINTON CLAIMS HE LIED 'BECAUSE I DO'
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NANCY PELOSI CALLS FOR INVESTIGATION OF IRAQI PRISONER ABUSE
HOUSE MINORITY LEADER INSISTS 'HEADS WILL ROLL'
submitted by cox3456@bellsouth.net
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KERRY RECEIVES FOURTH PURPLE HEART
SENATOR CLAIMS 'INJURY IN CAMPAIGN WARFARE' SUFFERED WHEN NEW BUSH AD 'HURT HIS FEELINGS'
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ACCIDENTAL LETTER 'F' RESULTS IN CLINTON MEMOIRS TITLE TYPO
CLINTON BLAMES INDEPENDENT COUNSEL FOR TYPO, LAKERS' DISMAL CHAMPIONSHIP PERFORMANCE, DIRTY DISHES IN SINK
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LIAR MICHAEL MOORE LIBEL SUIT HAPPY
PREVENT TRUTH DECAY SUED FOR MICHAEL MOORE 'LIBEL-SUIT-HAPPY-LIAR' HEADLINE
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CLINTON MEMOIR FULL OF WORDS, IT
CLINTON ISSUES RARE APOLOGY ON PAGE 1,512 OF 'MY LIFE': 'I'M SORRY, IN HINDSIGHT, CONSIDERING THE MEDIA ATTENTION, THAT THE GIRL WAS FAT AND UGLY... BUT I LOVE HER ANYWAY AND SHE'S A GREAT SENATOR.'
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CLINTON BOOK TO BE UNVEILED BY KERRY AT CONVENTION
KERRY TO BEGIN STUMPING FOR CLINTON MEMOIRS AT CONVENTION IN AUGUST - MOVED FROM JULY DUE TO BOOK TOUR AND CLINTON PARTY SCHEDULE CONFLICTS
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IDENTITY OF MAN IN CLINTON PORTRAIT REMAINS UNCLEAR
UGLY MAN LOOKS 'SIMILAR TO' X-PREZ, BUT LACKS DISTINGUISHABLE CLINTON FEATURES: BULBOUS RED TEDKENNEDYESQUE NOSE, LIPSTICK-STAINED COLLAR, AND SCANDAL-WHITENED HAIR
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OUT-OF-SEQUENCE SEQUEL TO STAR WARS TRILOGY PREQUEL INFURIATES FANS
LAST MOVIE (WHICH WAS ACTUALLY FIRST MOVIE) IN 2ND SET OF 4 SEQUELS SHOULD COME BETWEEN 2ND AND 4TH PREQUELS, NERDY FANS INSIST
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BILL CLINTON RESTED, READY TO ROCK
BACK IN D.C., THE FORMER PRESIDENT IS 'READY TO HIT THE TOWN' AFTER REFRESHING NAP DURING INTERNATIONALLY TELEVISED REAGAN FUNERAL
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J-LO 'MARRIES'... AGAIN
MARRIAGE HOBBYIST JENNIFER LOPEZ DISSOLVES 'MARRIAGE' TO MARC ANTHONY THIS MORNING, WILL MARRY SOME OTHER GUY AT NOON
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KERRY SALUTES NEMESIS LYING IN STATE
SEN. KERRY MAKES CAMPAIGN APPEARANCE AT REAGAN CASKET, WIPES GENUINELY CLINTONESQUE TEAR FROM EYE; POPE ORDERS KERRY TO CEASE CROSSING SELF BEFORE CASKETS AND CAMERAS FOR POLITICAL GAIN
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DEMOCRATS ARTICULATE REAGAN'S LEGACY FOR AMERICA
'HE WAS FUNNY, HAD A BUBBLY SENSE OF HUMOR, AND REALLY KNEW SOME GREAT QUIPS... PLUS HE WAS A GREAT ACTOR' SAY DEMS
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KERRY SPRINGS BOTOX LEAK IN CHEEK
PERPETUALLY LONG-FACED AND PESSIMISTIC SENATOR INJURED ATTEMPTING TO EMULATE RADIANT REAGANESQUE SMILE
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SATIRE HEADLINES ON HOLD
Thank You Mr. President (tribute to Ronald Reagan)

SCOTT PETERSON DEFENSE INSISTS 'MOTIVE IS LACKING'
SCOTT'S SECRET MISTRESS AMBER FREY TO TESIFY TOMORROW
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TRIMSPA REJECTS TED KENNEDY ENDORSEMENT OFFER
FAT-BURNING PILL COMPANY SAYS KENNEDY'S PUBLIC IMAGE PROBLEMS GO 'WAY BEYOND MERE HYPER-OBESITY'
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McCAIN SAYS UNEQUIVOCAL 'NO WAY' TO SUGGESTION OF KERRY VP OFFER
SEN. McCAIN OFFERS 'I WILL, HOWEVER, THINK ABOUT IT'; KERRY CAMP EXCITED ABOUT POSSIBLE DOUBLE-WAFFLER TICKET
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KERRY TO COMPETE IN NEW OLYMPIC EVENT
SENATOR FAVORED IN SECRET SERVICE SLALOM DESPITE EARLY SPILLS
submitted by Tony R
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KERRY SAYS AL GORE ENDORSEMENT IS "BIGGEST THREAT" TO HIS CAMPAIGN
SEN. KERRY REPORTEDLY ATTEMPTING TO CONVINCE ELECTION 2000 LOSER THAT KUCINICH VISION FOR AMERICA IS 'FAR SUPERIOR TO MINE'
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TERESA HEINZ KRAZY TO CAMPAIGN FOR HER HUSBAND
KERRY DAMAGE CONTROL TEAM SPOKESMAN: 'TERESA WILL PLAY  A VERY ACTIVE ROLE SILENTLY BEHIND THE SCENES' OF CAMPAIGN
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KENNEDY COMMENTS ON GLOBAL WARMING MOVIE
'IT'S TRUE: THE ROCKS IN MY SCOTCH ARE NOT AS PERSISTENT AS THEY ONCE WERE'
submitted by Tony R
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NEW YORK TIMES CORRECTS 'HONEST MISTAKE'
PAPER SAYS IRAQI PRISON SCANDAL WAS AT 'ABU GRAIB'; CLAIMS 'ABUSH GRAIB' WAS TYPO

CONGRESS APPROVES 240,000 CELL PHONES FOR MILITARY
DEMANDS TROOPS CALL RUMSFELD BEFORE 'TAKING ACTION'
submitted by Tony R
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KUCINICH FALLS OFF TRICYCLE: BLAMES 'SON OF A BITCH' KERRY
INVESTIGATION: BRAKES NOT TAMPERED WITH; KUCINICH PEDIATRICIAN SAYS 'CANDIDATE' IS RECOVERING IN BACK SEAT OF HOME

KERRY FALLS OFF SUV, SCRATCHES LONG FACE
SENATOR KERRY (D-GAY STATE) BLAMES ACCIDENT ON 'SON OF A BITCH' SECRET SERVICE CHAUFFER

KERRY SPEAKS OUT ON MENTAL HEALTH
DEFENDS SCHIZOPHRENIA AS NATURAL, BENEFICIAL, AND POLITICALLY EXPEDIENT
submitted by Tony R
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