NEW FROM CLINIQUE: KERRYFACE IN A TUBE

PTD COMMENT ABOUT JFK'S OSTENSIBLE USE OF ORANGE-FLAVORED FACE PAINT> Ok, this has been way too much fun. Code orange, agent orange, spray tan, tan-in-a-tube, tan-in-a-can. Pumpkin-Pigmented Facemask. Here's the real deal: John Kerry polls lower than Bush in sex appeal and masculinity and way better than Bush in "Frenchness". Something had to be done.

It's all quite simple: The debates draw nigh... American women will soon get a stomach-turning glimpse of Senator Kerry... His advisers, eager to present a more appealing cadaver to the female electorate, ruled out a prostetic face (too noticeable), a better haircut (can't do better than perfect hair), and botox (already in use).

Bob Shrum's deputy secretary looks up from proof-reading Kerry's next class warfare piece with a winner: "A tan!... get a tan!"

One hour of getting pummled by Al Gore's daughters in a game of touch football in the shade does not produce an evenly-dispersed, female-bodybuilder-grade, flourescent orange tan that makes Hawaiians look like albinos. Those are available only at Sally's Beauty Supply... in a can. Or tube.

He'll be in Florida this week. I hope he stays out of the sun. I fell asleep on the beach in Puerto Rico with that fake "blonde" spray in my hair and it turned green. Thank God I wasn't running for office. But wouldn't that be fun for Thursday's debate?

We know Kerry. He'll claim he's a punk rock star. The women will swoon...

For Bush.